Tonight on Bad Idea Theatre:
Two gunshots go off somewhere near the choir room right in the middle of a Regionals rehearsal, throwing the entire school into a more-or-less silent lockdown that stretches across a full ten minutes of uninterrupted screentime while several people we don't particularly care about slowly lose their minds. And when it's all over, Coach Sylvester eventually steps forward with the outrageous claim that she accidentally discharged a firearm she lately purchased for protection, whereupon she is promptly booted from the faculty by a deeply disappointed Maharishi. In a shocking turn of events, however, we learn that Sue's merely taking the fall for butterfingered Becky, the latter of whom swiped the actual weapon in question from her father's massive stash due to that fathomless terror she's apparently been battling ever since the most recent spate of mass murders in this country, even though Becky looked totally fine the last time we saw her. So Miss Jackson gets a total pass, I suppose, while Coach Sylvester heads off to New York to take over for Katie Finneran in the latest revival of Annie on Broadway. Fun!
In other news, Brittany thinks a massive comet's about to destroy the planet, Lord Tubbington acquires a lady friend from the local animal shelter, Will condescends to The Beiste, and New Finn gets stood up by his secret online admirer.
Not featuring Julie Brown's "The Homecoming Queen's Got A Gun," or "I Don't Like Mondays" from The Boomtown Rats, or even Kinky Friedman's "The Ballad Of Charles Whitman," for Christ's sake. This evening's musical selections do, however, include "One In A Million" by The Platters, as performed by The Platters; Elton John's "Your Song," as performed by New Finn; Extreme's "More Than Words," as performed by Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen and Brittany, with accompaniment from a few of the other children in The New New Directions; and John Mayer's "Say," as performed by most of the kiddies at the end of the episode.
April Rhodes Civic Pavilion. Mr. Schue has gathered (most of) the children on the auditorium's stage to reveal their competition for this year's Regionals: "From North Central High School in Indianapolis, The Hoosier Daddies, and from Our Lady Of Perpetual Loneliness in Battle Creek, Michigan, The Nun-Touchables." The kiddies hoot and holler, as is their wont, until the camera for some inexplicable reason decides to snap away from Mr. Schue's face and dance down the center of a foil-encased tube until it lands on Brittany's unusually solemn expression. "I have an announcement," she begins, cutting Mr. Schue's pointless blathering short. "I regret to inform you that a deadly asteroid is headed our way." There follows a lengthy pause, during which her fellow Glee Clubbers visibly struggle to absorb this horrible piece of information, after which Dreamboat Blaine ventures, "Didn't we just go through this at Christmas?" Yes, we did, Blaine, and no, I don't know why we're going through this again, so don't bother asking me.
Brittany's of no help as far as that's concerned, either, for she blithely ignores both Blaine's comment and a similar one from Single-T Tina to inform them all that she's "naming this comet Tubbington-Bopp," which elicits a skeptical eyebrow or two from Artie because she'd just referred to the unexpected extraterrestrial Lima-killer as an asteroid. Brittany continues to display remarkable amounts of astronomical savvy when she then refers to it both as a "meteor" and as a "meteorite," and why these tiny little fools on my television screen haven't already tuned her out like I did a couple of minutes ago, I'll never know. No matter, though, for Brit-Brit's already moved on to the primary point of her speech, which is this: Because they have mere days left to live, she will not be wasting her remaining hours on this planet practicing for Regionals, thank you very much. Rather, she will be making amends with someone she needs to "get right with" -- someone she loves more than any other person on the earth. Here, the camera zooms past New Finn's egregiously bare bicep to focus in on Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen's beatific expression of patient and affectionate understanding as Brittany concludes, "Lord Tubbington." Wah. Wah. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen furrows his dim brow while allowing the rest of his face to fall into this evening's title card.