First things first. I've been accused of calling our zaftig new Glee Club member "Lauren Tuna" as some kind of misogynistic slur, like I'm a '70s queen sitting around the bar calling women "fish." Puh-leeze, Mary! I'm a card-carrying feminist, and I'll choke a bitch who uses that kind of language. If you may recall, I graced Lauren with her current surname to connect her to her spiritual foremother, April Tuna, a character from Ryan Murphy's earlier show, Popular, portrayed by Adria Dawn. April Tuna started as an occasional background character and through sheer force of personality and acting talent transformed herself into a character so beloved an entire episode was devoted to her. I hope that Ashley Fink and the writers who created Lauren Zizes realize that the Tuna label is a sign of deep respect. If I were an actor, it would be my dream to one day be a Tuna.
We open with Puck, in a classroom, staring forlornly at Lauren Tuna. In voice-over, he tells us, "We all know I'm not the smartest guy in the world." While that's an undeniably true statement, I do hope that Puck realizes he's not the dumbest guy in the world. Or even the dumbest guy in the Glee Club. Anyway, Puck is telling us about his relative intelligence to make the point that even a dope like him knows that you can't choose love. As he stares, we see that Lauren is eating heart-shaped chocolates out of a heart-shaped box. The VO continues: "I mean, I could have any girl I wanted, but here I am, in the middle of geometry or English or something, and the only girl I've got my eye on is a whole lotta woman." Lauren turns to look at Puck, and he nervously pretends he wasn't staring at her. And we flash back to the episode in which Puck got locked in a port-a-potty and recruited Lauren to join the Glee Club. As you may remember, his enticement (in addition to candy) to get her to join was a promise of seven minutes in Heaven. We see Lauren pull Puck into a supply closet for said seven minutes, only to have her proclaim Puck a dud after just three minutes. Back in the geometry/English/whatever classroom, Puck is debating whether he's attracted to Lauren due to her curves or due to the fact that she insults him just like his mother does when the bell rings. As the students leave class, Lauren approaches Puck and tells him to stop staring at her (on penalty of nut breakage) and also informs him that the candy he gave her sucked. As she leaves, Puck mutters to himself, "I'm in love with Lauren Zizes." Join the club, Mohawk. Title card.