Music room. The Glee Club (sans Puck) is waiting on Mr. Schue. Santana wonders where Puck is, noting that he hasn't been seen for a day. I hope Karofsky isn't keeping him tied up at home as his love slave. Mercedes thinks he's quit the club rather than face the possibility of losing at Sectionals. Will arrives to hear this last bit. He also hears the kids go on to complain about their own lack of solos and make plans to treat the Warblers rudely for stealing Kurt. (Brit-Brit's idea? "If we lose, we should throw possums.") Rachel enters wearing a piece of duct tape over her mouth to protest her lack of solos. Will loses it, yelling at her to take off the tape and lose the bad attitude, and then goes on to tell the rest of the club to stop being so selfish and that they're going to be good sports at Sectionals. And then Puck enters, accompanied by Lauren Tuna. Artie asks him where he's been, and Lauren Tuna tells us that she found him in a port-a-potty.
Smear sideways, where we see a couple of jocks shove a broom handle through the port-a-potty door and then tip the entire thing on its side. Puck's voice-over tells us that he was trapped inside of it for twenty-four hours. We see him banging on the walls and crying out for help: "Buddha, Allah, Satan, help me!" Worst. Jew. Ever. Lauren Tuna, looking fetching in a knit beret, opens the door (which is now the ceiling) and rescues him. Puck's V.O. tells us that he then asked her if she wanted to join the Glee Club. In the hallway, she tells him that she has two conditions. First, she wants a box of Cadbury creme eggs (because she's fat, ha ha). (Oh wait, I meant "hack, hack." As in what the writers are with their constant fat jokes). Second, Lauren Tuna wants "seven minutes in heaven" with Puck. Get in line, sister.
Back in the music room, Puck has clearly shared every single detail of this story with his fellow Glee Clubbers, as he winds up by telling them, "I have to say, she rocked my world." Oh, Lauren, you minx. Will welcomes her to the club. And although she now has a canonical surname, she will forever remain Lauren Tuna to me.
Hallway. Finn is closing his locker when Santana walks by and gives him a lascivious look. And then Santana sees Rachel and leans in: "Did I tell you he bought me dinner after?" Puck walks up to Rachel and she asks him if he's going to steal something from her. Well, he's going to try. But we'll get to that later. Instead, he tells her that his ordeal in the crapper made him see the light -- he prayed to God (or several of them) and promised to be nicer to people. "Then I realized there was no way I could do that, so I changed it. To just Jews." He sees that she's upset, and she confesses that she's having trouble with Finn. He tells her that he's an expert on boyfriend troubles, since he's usually the one causing them. They walk off together to talk over her problems. She takes his arms and notices his bulging muscles. Puck: "It's the steroids." Commercials.