In Ohio: Nerves remain somewhat frazzled after The Incident, and as a result, tempers quickly rise when the children dare to disagree with Mr. Schue's fusty strategy for Regionals, with several of the kiddies complaining quite loudly about Mr. Schue's abusive treatment of Old Finn not too many weeks ago for good measure. At Coach Beiste's suggestion, Mr. Schue travels to The University Of Lima to make amends with the freshly-enrolled Frankendrunk, only to find Bloaty The Cocaine Clown wallowing in booze-soaked debauchery with a there-for-the-hell-of-it Old Puck, so he stomps off in a self-righteous snit. The two eventually agree to forget the late unpleasantness between them, because of course they do, and with that finally out of the way, Mr. Schue, Old Finn, and The New New Directions refocus their energies on their impending competition.
In New York: Idina Menzel materializes to offer Old Idiot Rachel a few sage words of advice just prior to the latter's audition for the nonexistent revival of Funny Girl, and wouldn't you know it? The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway does so well, she earns herself a callback. St. Gay Of Lima is practically paralytic with joy.
Meanwhile: Black Sue returns from Ryan Murphy's other show to assume control of The Cheerios in White Sue's (temporary) absence, MIT aggressively pursues Brit-Brit because of her outstanding SAT scores, Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen develops a split personality, Single-T Tina does for Steampunk what she did for Goth, and Dreamboat Blaine knows who really shot up the school last week.
Featuring Emeli Sandé's "Next To Me," as performed by Idina Menzel and The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway; "(You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (To Party!)" by The Beastie Boys, as performed by Frankendrunk and Old Puck; "You Have More Friends Than You Know" from Mervyn Warren and Jeff Marx, as performed by Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel, Dreamboat Blaine, Not-So-Unique, and Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen; Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" -- again -- as performed by Old Idiot Rachel, with imaginary backup provided by The Famous Original Glee Gang; some piece of written-for-the-episode crap about rainbows, as performed by the overly earnest kiddies of The New New Directions.
Oh, Lord. It's never a good sign when the opening scene makes me want to ram shards of broken glass into my eyes. Therefore, in order to avoid any unnecessary injuries to myself, I'm going to keep my description of said scene as brief as possible: Somehow, Frankendrunk managed to matriculate at the heretofore unheard-of University Of Lima over the course of the last week or so, and he is now pursuing his long-standing dream of becoming an educator. Unfortunately, his fellow undergraduates tend to burst into unwatchable recreations of every horrible "Harlem Shake" video you've ever seen in your life at the most inopportune of moments, so it doesn't look like Bloaty The Cocaine Clown's going to be getting very much studying done anytime soon. Not that he's particularly worried about that, however -- turns out Old Puck's managed to boot Old Finn's roommate from the dorm, and the two will now be bunking with each other for the rest of the semester, so wooooooo! Par-taaaaaaay! The thirtysomething nineteen-year-olds chest-bump each other right into this evening's title card.
My Ancestral Homeland. Old Idiot Rachel stands alone in The Improbably Bohemian Loft, silently striking glamorous poses in front of a mirror while her exceptionally chatty voiceover monologues at length regarding the role Barbra Streisand has played in her life thus far. Old Idiot Rachel's Voiceover also reminds us of her impending open-call audition for the first Broadway revival of Funny Girl since the original production closed in 1967 and, after taking a swipe at Lauren Ambrose, Old Idiot Rachel's Voiceover walks us through her never-before-seen collection of rare Barbra-related ephemera, which includes "a feather from Hello Dolly, a yarmulke from Yentl, a boxing glove from The Main Event," and framed portraits of La Streisand's various husbands and paramours, including one of Canadian prime minister Pierre Trudeau. "But I'm not just approaching this audition as a fangirl," Old Idiot Rachel's Voiceover insists. "I'm approaching this as a professional who has sworn off men and rededicated herself to The Art Of Being Barbra." "Yes," Old Idiot Rachel's Voiceover admits, "it's a longshot -- Fanny Brice is the King Lear of musical theater roles, and I'm just an unknown Jewish girl from Ohio who came of age in a high school glee club -- but then I remind myself that Barbra, too, was once an unknown Jewish girl who sang in her high school choir, and Funny Girl made her a star!" By now, Actual Old Idiot Rachel has donned a familiar-looking leopard-print coat -- paired, of course, with a matching hat -- and she plants herself once more in front of the mirror to coo, "Hello, gorgeous!" Yeah. Barbra did it better.