Glee
Sweet Dreams

Episode Report Card
Demian: D+ | 1 USERS: B+
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I Should Hate You The Whole Night Through

Oh, Lord. It's never a good sign when the opening scene makes me want to ram shards of broken glass into my eyes. Therefore, in order to avoid any unnecessary injuries to myself, I'm going to keep my description of said scene as brief as possible: Somehow, Frankendrunk managed to matriculate at the heretofore unheard-of University Of Lima over the course of the last week or so, and he is now pursuing his long-standing dream of becoming an educator. Unfortunately, his fellow undergraduates tend to burst into unwatchable recreations of every horrible "Harlem Shake" video you've ever seen in your life at the most inopportune of moments, so it doesn't look like Bloaty The Cocaine Clown's going to be getting very much studying done anytime soon. Not that he's particularly worried about that, however -- turns out Old Puck's managed to boot Old Finn's roommate from the dorm, and the two will now be bunking with each other for the rest of the semester, so wooooooo! Par-taaaaaaay! The thirtysomething nineteen-year-olds chest-bump each other right into this evening's title card.

My Ancestral Homeland. Old Idiot Rachel stands alone in The Improbably Bohemian Loft, silently striking glamorous poses in front of a mirror while her exceptionally chatty voiceover monologues at length regarding the role Barbra Streisand has played in her life thus far. Old Idiot Rachel's Voiceover also reminds us of her impending open-call audition for the first Broadway revival of Funny Girl since the original production closed in 1967 and, after taking a swipe at Lauren Ambrose, Old Idiot Rachel's Voiceover walks us through her never-before-seen collection of rare Barbra-related ephemera, which includes "a feather from Hello Dolly, a yarmulke from Yentl, a boxing glove from The Main Event," and framed portraits of La Streisand's various husbands and paramours, including one of Canadian prime minister Pierre Trudeau. "But I'm not just approaching this audition as a fangirl," Old Idiot Rachel's Voiceover insists. "I'm approaching this as a professional who has sworn off men and rededicated herself to The Art Of Being Barbra." "Yes," Old Idiot Rachel's Voiceover admits, "it's a longshot -- Fanny Brice is the King Lear of musical theater roles, and I'm just an unknown Jewish girl from Ohio who came of age in a high school glee club -- but then I remind myself that Barbra, too, was once an unknown Jewish girl who sang in her high school choir, and Funny Girl made her a star!" By now, Actual Old Idiot Rachel has donned a familiar-looking leopard-print coat -- paired, of course, with a matching hat -- and she plants herself once more in front of the mirror to coo, "Hello, gorgeous!" Yeah. Barbra did it better.

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Glee

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