Old Quinn, Old Puck, Gaylord Wiener, Santana Lopez, and Mercedes return to Lima from points elsewhere to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday with their families, which offers Bloaty The Gravy Clown the perfect opportunity to offload some of his coaching responsibilities by pairing the returning graduates with various of The New New Directions for "mentoring," like so: Old Puck with New Puck, Old Quinn with New Quinn, Old Mercedes with New Mercedes, Gaylord Wiener with New Finn, and Santana Lopez with Boring New Idiot Rachel. There's some tedious drama involving the new children, of course -- New Finn and New Puck are still fighting over Boring New Idiot Rachel when everyone knows they'd make a much better couple themselves, and New Quinn's convinced Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel to wolf down laxatives because Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel is a moron -- but the real action comes from Santana and Old Quinn, who throw down in the music room over some still-unresolved issues. It's beautiful.
Meanwhile, over in New York City, The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway and St. Gay Of Lima have decided to hold an orphans' holiday for themselves -- supposedly because they're now more than ever determined to establish themselves as fully independent entities in their adopted city, but really because neither can afford to head to Ohio again this year after fucking back off there so many times earlier in the season. The Horrible Hooker graciously invites Dean Geyer over for the evening, because they've agreed to behave like adults regarding the whole Drunk Kate Hudson thing, while St. Gay graciously invites Sarah Jessica Parker, because Sarah Jessica Parker is a pathetic old hag with no friends. The pathetic old hag surprises everyone, however, by arriving with a screaming claque of old-school Lower East Side aggravations she hired for the evening, and a raucous party ensues, during which St. Gay drunk-dials Dreamboat Blaine so they can cry at each other for about thirty minutes.
And in the end, Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel ODs on Metamucil and drops dead in the middle of Sectionals. Hooray!
Featuring a medley of Simon And Garfunkel's "Homeward Bound" and this thing by the latest disposable Idol idiot, as performed by Old Quinn, Old Puck, Gaylord Wiener, Santana Lopez, Mercedes, and Old Finn; The Supremes' "Come See About Me," as performed by Old Quinn, Brit-Brit, and Santana Lopez; two pieces of crap I've never heard before and never want to hear again, as performed by The Swallows of Dalton Academy, with solos from Ernst Blofeld and Sebastian The Predatory Homosexual; a medley of "Let's Have A Kiki" by The Scissor Sisters and "Turkey Lurkey Time" from Promises, Promises, as performed by St. Gay Of Lima, The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway, Dean Geyer, and Sarah Jessica Parker, with bits of backup from Shangela and Ryan Heffington from RuPaul's Drag Race; yet another medley, this of "Over The River And Through The Wood" and "She'll Be Coming 'Round The Mountain," as performed by The Rosedale Mennonites; and, finally, "a supremely annoying novelty song," as performed by the children of The New New Directions until Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel drops dead in the middle of the song.
Tonight's bleary-eyed episode-opening camera eventually focuses in on a pair of $500 wedges as they make their careful and deliberate way across the artfully lit stage of The April Rhodes Civic Pavilion, and look! It's former cripple Quinn Fabray! Back from... wherever the hell she's supposed to be at the moment! Hi, Quinn! The new version of you on this show sucks. Just thought you should know.
In any event, Old Quinn stands in a magically appearing spotlight and growls the first low notes of Simon And Garfunkel's "Homeward Bound" all by her lonesome until Original Recipe Puck emerges from the wings, guitar slung across his torso, to harmonize with her for a bit. Meanwhile, out in the audience, Gaylord Wiener and Santana Lopez stride into a magically appearing spotlight of their own to croon a couple of bars of this thing from the latest thoroughly disposable Idol idiot until Mercedes hustles into yet another magically appearing spotlight on the opposite end of the auditorium, and then Frankenteen lurches onto the stage from points unknown to add his decidedly weak voice to the ensuing medley, and this reunion would be very touching, I'm sure, were it not for the fact that most of these characters never really left the show in the first place. By the way, Bloaty The Gravy Clown is wearing yet another Schuesterian V-neck, which I find oddly amusing -- Finn's clearly attempting to emulate his hero's Nationals-winning ways by emulating his hero's questionable fashion sense, and yet the only apparent quality thus far transmitted by Mr. Schue's inescapable sweater-vests is Mr. Schue's abject dumbassery. Hee.
The six former students eventually end up on the stage together and, after the medley just sort of fizzles out, Old Quinn smiles, "Home for the holidays, just like we promised." Bloaty The Gravy Clown steps forward to mark the occasion with a few heartfelt remarks, but Old Puck shuts that crap down with a quickness for which I will always be grateful, and everyone mashes together for an awkwardly tangled group hug that's soon obliterated by this evening's title card.