We return to find Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel barely able to stand because she's been living on Tic Tacs and ex-lax for the last two weeks, and when New Puck wanders over to wonder what gives, Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel starts babbling about her insomnia and her hyperhidrosis and her miserably low levels of self-esteem, and I have zero fucks to give about any of this, so let's skip ahead to the part where New Finn pops up from out of nowhere to insist New Puck take over his role in their first number. He knows New Puck's a much better dancer than he is, you see, and "you don't put in the second-string QB just to be nice," right? Of course right. New Puck agrees to the switch, and the three race to the stage at the last possible instant and...

...remember how I said there's no way in hell I'm gonna sit through this shit? There's no way in hell I'm gonna sit through this shit. For the second time, at least -- God knows I suffered through it when this episode originally aired -- but nevertheless: Nuh-uh. Not gonna happen. Sorry! Though you know what? Even this nightmare is better than The Swallows. Goddammit, Dalton! What the hell happened this year?

And when it's over, Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel drops dead. Hooray!

Next week: The thrilling conclusion. Have fun!

Demian's pretty sure The New New Directions will triumph anyway, even with Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel's rapidly cooling corpse now sprawled across the stage, because The Swallows were that bad. You may reach him at demian_twop@yahoo.com.