Episode Report Card
Demian: D | Grade It Now!
In Which We Give Thanks That New Rachel Is Dead

The assembled members of The Old New Directions knock their plastic cups of soda together -- no one's managed to snag a fake ID yet, apparently, though several of them could easily pass for forty by now and therefore shouldn't need one -- and the table talk turns to their two conspicuously absent compatriots for a moment until Mercedes asks if Old Quinn's ever gone down to Manhattan for a visit. Referring to Old Idiot Rachel, of course, Old Quinn replies, "She basically e-mails me every other week to remind me that I still haven't used the train ticket that she gave me" -- which: Wrong! -- "but I'm just trying to keep straight As, and I just got tapped to be in the only female secret society at Yale, so..." Santana Lopez shoots Old Quinn a vicious, knowing side-eye at that last bit, but remains silent for now while the others congratulate Old Quinn on her wild successes as of late in New Haven. Bloaty The Gravy Clown then proceeds to crap all over the mood in the room by asking everyone for a favor.

Cut to the McKinley High music room the following afternoon. As Boring New Idiot Rachel shyly flirts with Thing One and Thing Two up there in the cheap seats, Frankenteen staggers to the middle of the floor below to announce, "Standing before you are legends!" Whoops and hollers erupt amongst the children of The New New Directions as Bloaty The Gravy Clown gestures toward his fellow returning graduates, who have arranged themselves rather prettily around the piano, and Santana, Old Quinn, Gaylord Wiener, Old Puck and Mercedes are so carefully color-coordinated in this shot, I almost burst out laughing at the sight of them. Old Finn loudly asserts, "Every single one of these guys could be President of the United States one day." "I don't know about that," Artie murmurs through a tight, fixed smile. Heh. "And lucky for us," Frankenteen blithely continues, "they've agreed to help us."

Long story short, each of the returning Old New Directions will "mentor" one of the bland New New Directions for the week, in the hope that some of The Olds' Nationals-winning ways will rub off on The News. No, don't ask me why Dreamboat Blaine, Guy With Gross Hair Whose Name I Still Can't Be Bothered To Look Up, Brit-Brit, Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen, Sugar Motta, Single-T Tina nor Artie couldn't have mentored the bland New New Directions for the week in the hope that some of their Nationals-winning ways would rub off on The News, because I don't have an answer for that. Just know that Bloaty The Gravy Clown pairs The Olds and The News up like so: Old Puck with New Puck, Old Quinn with New Quinn, Old Mercedes with New Mercedes, and Santana and Gaylord with Boring New Idiot Rachel and New Finn, respectively, because Old Idiot Rachel's stuck in New York and Old Finn's too busy foisting his responsibilities off onto others at the moment to mentor anyone, much less his neophyte doppelganger. It's like they're actively trying to piss off the few remaining members of this show's rapidly dwindling audience, isn't it?

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