The Break Up

Episode Report Card
Demian: A | 4 USERS: A-
The Breakup(s)

But whatever, because I'm supposed to be focusing on the end of their tiresome on-again, off-again romance, which I never gave a rat's ass about in the first place, so I'll just keep staring in horror at her hideous new Carrie Bradshaw-influenced hairdon't while they yammer away at each other for a couple of minutes until Idiot Rachel finally grows herself a spine and starts screaming at him for the insulting way he pretty much dumped her at the end of last season. But then Idiot Rachel fucks it all up for me by trying to insist upon how so-called "real men" should behave, or something, so I tune them both out again until The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway finally says, "I can't do this anymore. We're done." And then she gets all wishy-washy about it -- again -- so I stop paying attention -- some more -- until she finally -- finally! -- exits the stage and the episode-ending music kicks in.

The song is Coldplay's suicide-inducing "The Scientist," and when this episode first aired, I thought it was a hell of a strong way to close out the evening's presentation, what with the members of all four of tonight's primary couples materializing one by one to wail their shattered hearts out, but unfortunately, now that I've watched it over and over again about four or five times, the abrupt key change in the middle's just a little too jarring, and Brit-Brit's singing voice is just a little too weak, and The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway's glory notes towards the finish are starting to grate, and it makes no sense at all that Frankenteen would include Mr. Schue, Miss Pillsbury, Santana, and Brittany in this fantasy performance that's rolling around inside that troubled head of his because as far as we know, he's utterly oblivious to any relationship issues those people might be having at this point, but now I feel like I'm being petty. The first time around, it really did seem like the strongest group performance this show's offered yet this season, and I should probably leave it at that. By the way -- and because were I not to mention this, I'm pretty sure some batshit fan would take out a hit -- we get smacked in the face with a series of flashbacks to the relevant couples' first truly significant moments together at a very appropriate moment during the song, including Rachel and Finn's hilariously mortifying makeout session, Will and Emma's clinch at the very end of the now-mythic First Thirteen, Blaine and Kurt's ridiculously over-the-top slow-motion romp through the hallowed halls of dear old Dalton Academy, and a shot I can't properly identify of Santana and Brittany canoodling in the cheap seats over in McKinley's music room. Incidentally, am I the only person who never noticed that gigantic "NO SEX" poster behind Emma's head at the end of "Sectionals" until now?

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