Stage. Coach Beiste is welding some scenery together. Artie, who clearly is drunk with directorial power, approaches to tell her he's worried about the way she ran out of the room when he started to talk about sex. I don't know, Artie. Maybe it's because teachers who have those kind of talks with kids tend to get in a lot of trouble? But Artie wonders if the real reason is that she's never had sex herself. And oh my God, somebody needs to slap some sense into Artie. But Coach Beiste is too polite to do that, and she lets him go on. He asks her if she's never found the right "person," and she clarifies that she's into dudes. And while she hasn't found the right one, there is one dude that she's into. Why, it's that recruiter from Ohio State, whose name is "Cooter Menkins." She tells Artie how Cooter makes her feel like a girl. But then we flash back to the locker room, where Cooter praises her coaching and invites her to grab some lunch, and we see that Coach Beiste is very un-girl-like in the way she obliviously rejects the invitation in order to cram some chili into her pie-hole. Coach Beiste tells Artie to mind his own beeswax, and he wheels himself away.
Dalton Academy. What are we doing here? Well, Blaine is walking down the staircase in the rotunda. And his parents are so poor after losing that first-semester tuition when he dropped out that they can no longer afford to buy socks for Blaine. Um, if these Dalton boys are all at school, isn't that where Blaine should be? Well, wherever he should be, he's currently walking into the Warblers' rehearsal room, just in time to hear them do a completely boring cover of Billy Joel's "Uptown Girl." As they sing, one hottie we've never seen before notices Blaine, licks his lips, and walks over to drag him into the number. As they sing, a lady French teacher walks by in the corridor. She tries to get them to tone down the singing, but they choose to instead to go out into the hallway and reenact the near-rape scene from West Side Story. Or, actually, to dance around the French teacher and flout her authority. She ends up being the uptown girl in their own private music video. She herds them back into their music room, where the lip-licking hottie does some fancy dance moves, all while making eyes at Blaine. They finish, and some Warblers actually get lines. I know! They're hoping Blaine's there to tell them he's coming back to Dalton, but he's really just there to deliver tickets to the musical. He skipped school for that? Is the mail not good enough? And if he can afford all those tickets to the show, he can surely afford a pair of socks. The group breaks up, and the lip-licking hottie introduces himself as "Sebastian Smythe." Blaine has clearly never met him, and asks him if he's a freshman. Sebastian: "Do I look like a freshman?" No, but you also don't look like you're thirty years old, like the rest of the Warblers. So you can see why Blaine would be confused.