The First Time

Episode Report Card
When You're A Gleek, You're A Gleek All The Way

Rachel pounds her gavel, calling to order the meeting of girls who are actually willing to put up with her. Which means Tina, Quinn, Brit, and Santana. She reminds them all of the last time she called them together to get advice about giving away her virginity, and expresses hope that they can all be more adult this time around. And then she tells them about almost going all the way with Finn before he got mad and refused to put out. Quinn's advice is to wait, since the one time she had sex she got knocked up. Also, she feels like she threw away something special and can never have it back again. But that's because her first time was with Puck, and she was buzzed on wine coolers. Santana also thinks Rachel should wait. But that's because Finn was so horrible the one time she had sex with him. "It was like being smothered by a sweaty, out of breath sack of potatoes that someone soaked in body spray." Brit tells them all that she lost her virginity at cheerleading camp: "He just climbed into my tent. Alien invasion." Yeah, but just one tentacle. Rachel thinks that sounds like three votes for waiting. And then Single-T Tina tells Rachel, "Losing my virginity was a great experience for me, because I was with someone I love." We get a quick flash back to Rachel singing Maria's part in "A Boy Like That." Tina talks about how she and Mike talked about it, decided they were ready, and worked to make it really special. Flash back to the song. Tina tells Rachel that because it was the right time with the right guy, her first time was amazing. As the song continues, we see Finn in the hallway. We're seeing him from Rachel's point of view, and you can tell from the look he gives back to her that she's giving him a sexy look indeed. But that's a memory playing in Rachel's head, because she's actually still in the non-virgins' meeting. Tina: "He's my first love. And I'll always look back on that moment as absolutely perfect. No regrets." Aw, thanks Tina, for reminding us all that sex can be lovely and great. Your angry letters from the Family Research Council are on the way. Commercials.

Kurt and Blaine are just parking the car outside Scandals. The look of the place is perfect -- low-slung brick building, no windows, out-of-the-way spot. Kurt's worried that his Hawaiian driver's license doesn't even look like him. Blaine: "Don't worry, mine says I'm 38. They'll work." You guys, this totally reminds me of the first time I went to a gay bar, when I was 18. It was in Rochester, New York, on Liberty Pole Way. I had borrowed an ID from a college friend who was also going. We looked enough alike that we figured nobody would notice. But the drag queen working the door was writing down the name and birthdate of every person who entered the bar. So even though I came in two people after him, she immediately realized that one of us was a fake, and she reached back into the bar and grabbed him. And then she played with us like a cat with a couple of mice for about ten minutes, hemming and hawing about what a bizarre coincidence it was that two guys with the same name and the same birthdate just happened to come to the bar at the same time. But eventually she took pity on a little twink and let us in. God bless you, unnamed Rochester drag queen. God bless you.

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