"Puckzilla," on the other hand, continues to balk, going so far as to dispute the very idea that Madonna's music "translates to show choir." Rachel hastens to differ and, after whispering a quick set of instructions into The McKinley Jazz Ensemble's ears -- oh, right: They've apparently been standing off to the side this entire time -- she takes to the floor to call out, "Come on, girls! Do you believe in love? 'Cause I got something to say about it, and it goes something like this!" And if you don't immediately have this song running through your head after that intro, you're either too young and ill-educated for me to bother with, or you shouldn't be watching this goddamned show in the first place. After Rachel drags The Glee Gals onto the floor with her, the number quickly leaps over to the McKinley auditorium stage, where each of the ladies magically appears in her own approximation of Madonna's bustier-under-suit-jacket outfit to perform an approximation of this routine from the 1990 Blond Ambition Tour. You know, without the half-naked men. It's a straightforward cover of the live version, so if you saw that tour (on HBO, on Sunday night, August 5, 1990, because the frigging tickets sold out for every single frigging arena worldwide five frigging minutes after they went on sale, not that I'm bitter about it) you're not seeing anything new here. Out in the auditorium proper, The Glee Guys (minus Kurt, of course) couldn't possibly be more bored, but screw them, because Brittany is just killing the choreography here, and we head into the first commercial break wondering how any of those breeder hosebags ever managed to get a date in the first place.
Santana Lopez applies some lipstick, examines her reflection in the vanity mirror hanging in her locker, and correctly decides, "I look smoking hot." Brittany of course stands next to her, rocking an early-'80s Madonna coif complete with artfully knotted lace headband, so it's appropriate that the McKinley halls are currently being flooded with an earsplittingly loud broadcast of 1983's "Burning Up." (Incidentally, they cut Jonathan Groff's cover of this from the episode at the last minute, or so I heard. Good thing, because this song's so closely tied to Madonna for me that I'd be forced to dump all over his rendition of it, and trashing Jonathan Groff for any reason would make me very, very sad.) Brittany's taken Sue's edict to heart and delightedly confides, "Guess who I'm dating? Wes Brody? He's super cute? He plays soccer with my sister? He's seven?" "Crap!" Santana Lopez curses, slamming shut her locker door. "I need a younger, inferior man!" Brittany has a solution for Santana Lopez's dilemma: Finn. 'Cause, you know, he's three days younger than she is, and plus? "He's super dumb." Hee. Santana Lopez has a few misgivings, but Brittany assures her that seducing Frankenteen is the best course of action at this juncture. Convinced, Santana Lopez smiles wickedly and slinks off towards Finn's locker.