Minutes -- or days, or weeks -- later, Sue's bellowing out a count through her megaphone in the gym, and we've suddenly found ourselves in the middle of a pep rally where, of course, The Cheerios are propelling themselves through yet another intricately staged routine. This time, however, they've brought along McKinley's marching band, with two very special guest vocalists: Kurt and Mercedes. The song, "4 Minutes," is of course in keeping with the episode's theme, though it's apparently off her latest album. And if the rest of that album sounds like the shitty duet I just watched her sing with Justin Freaking Timberlake, of all the hateful toolbags, I'll not be purchasing it, thank you very much, in spite of the hour of free publicity Madonna just received thanks to this show. Really, their version's a hell of a lot better than hers -- the marching band is genius, and Chris Colfer and Amber Riley strut the hell out of it, and The Cheerios' carwash skirts are one mighty blur there in the middle. Awesome.
Of course, Will disagrees vehemently with me because he is a jackass, and once the routine's over, he storms over to Sue demanding to know what's going on. "Lemme fill you in," Sue calmly replies with her typically magnificent amounts of snideness. "Future Center Square Kurt Hummel there and his brassy hag Mercedes just tore that Madonna song a new one." I gasped the first time I heard that line, then proceeded to dissolve into a giggling fit that made me miss most of the rest of the scene. Long story short, Sue "decided to add vocals to [her] already wildly overproduced Cheerios numbers" to give her team yet another extra edge at Nationals. Stupid Will feels upset and confused and betrayed, so Kurt levels with him: "We love being in Glee, but being in The Cheerios will give us more opportunities to shine, so we're doing both." And good for them. Sue claps a hand on Will's shoulder and tells him to "chipper up" because she was "down at the pharmacy today, and they're having a monster sale on Dep." "Dep is a hair gel," Sue insists upon elaborating, "and once again, I am making fun of your incredibly stupid hairdo." Hee.
And we'll be pretending this next scene never happened, okay? All you need to know is this: The Glee Guys (minus Kurt) finally bow to pressure from The Glee Gals (plus Kurt), decide to perform "What It Feels Like For A Girl" (with Kurt), and they take the song featured in this kickass video and turn it into some god-awful piece of flaccid boy-band crap. Next!