Santana Lopez applies some lipstick, examines her reflection in the vanity mirror hanging in her locker, and correctly decides, "I look smoking hot." Brittany of course stands next to her, rocking an early-'80s Madonna coif complete with artfully knotted lace headband, so it's appropriate that the McKinley halls are currently being flooded with an earsplittingly loud broadcast of 1983's "Burning Up." (Incidentally, they cut Jonathan Groff's cover of this from the episode at the last minute, or so I heard. Good thing, because this song's so closely tied to Madonna for me that I'd be forced to dump all over his rendition of it, and trashing Jonathan Groff for any reason would make me very, very sad.) Brittany's taken Sue's edict to heart and delightedly confides, "Guess who I'm dating? Wes Brody? He's super cute? He plays soccer with my sister? He's seven?" "Crap!" Santana Lopez curses, slamming shut her locker door. "I need a younger, inferior man!" Brittany has a solution for Santana Lopez's dilemma: Finn. 'Cause, you know, he's three days younger than she is, and plus? "He's super dumb." Hee. Santana Lopez has a few misgivings, but Brittany assures her that seducing Frankenteen is the best course of action at this juncture. Convinced, Santana Lopez smiles wickedly and slinks off towards Finn's locker.
"Finnocence?" Santana Lopez croons once she's arrived at his side. "I think we should go out -- just you and me this time, no third wheel." I appreciate a woman who's so direct. Unfortunately, Frankenteen's far too dim to think likewise, and when his waffling becomes too much for her to bear, Santana Lopez slams his locker door and lays it on the line: "It's high time you lost The Big V -- everything about you screams 'Virgin!' You're about as sexy as a Cabbage Patch Kid, and it's exhausting to look at you." Hee! Finn mumbles something about his nonexistent ongoing romance with Rachel, so Santana Lopez of course sets him straight: "She's dating that Jesse kid from Vocal Adrenaline. You can smell it on her -- she's like a cat in heat. She talked about him yesterday? And practically sprayed the choir room." Ew! Hee! Ew! Hee! Ew! "So, come on," she urges him. "Let's do the deed. It'll be great for my image, and Sue'll promote me to head cheerleader." Must not make "Dirty Knees" joke. Must. Not. Make. "Dirty." "Knees." Joke. "It's win-win!" Santana Lopez concludes. Finn wonders how it's win-win for him. "I meant for me," she duhs. "It's win-win for me." I love her.