Glee

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Demian: B | Grade It Now!
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We'll Always Have Branson
mance_1.php?page=8">astonishingly Jewfro'd nerd from the Celibacy Club's just begun an interview with the Rachel in question for the school's newspaper, and of course that astonishingly Jewfro'd nerd from the Celibacy Club's on the school newspaper. Of course. "How does it feel to be just a sophomore and get the lead in the school musical?" he opens. As Rachel blathers on about rare stars shining brightly, or some such self-involved garbage, J-Fro's eyes slowly drift down towards her chestical area, and he suddenly snaps off the tape recorder to demand, "Show me your bra!" "You mean the one I'm wearing?" Rachel frowns, clearly incredulous at the turn this interview's taken. "Quid pro quo," J-Fro counters. "You want a good review, show me your over-the-shoulder boulder holder!" I'd remark on that, but it would be desperately hypocritical of me to do so, as I ratchet up the letter grades on these episodes with each and every entirely gratuitous display of wanton Puckerman shirtlessness, so I think I'll keep my mouth shut. Rachel, however, is appalled, and protests, "You can't do that! My performance will stand on its own, and besides, no one reads the school paper, anyway!" "Oh, but I'll post my scathing review online!" J-Fro all but cackles, nefariously. "You'll be finished on the high school stage! Now get those sweater puppies out of their cashmere cage!" Rachel leaps to her feet in disgust just as Sandy Ryerson flutters into the room, all daring peach-on-peach ensemble and apologies for being late, as his Vespa had a flat. J-Fro hastily gathers his things to leave, loudly assuring Sandy he'll not be needed for the final article before directing the following at Rachel: "Do the right thing -- all the great actresses take their clothes off." "Well, I have no problem with nudity!" Sandy overshares, and escorts J-Fro from the room with, "Let me tell you about my planned production of Equus! Have you ever hung out at a stable?" Hee.

Left alone, Rachel draws her hair away from her sweater so she might examine her rack, as one does, and so of course is instantly mortified when Frankenteen lumbers into the classroom to offer her a chipper, "Hey! What are you doing?" Rachel swiftly drops her hair back into place and babbles something about finally receiving the star treatment she never got from the Glee Club and how she's certain she's chosen the right path before finishing with, "I'm never going back to Glee -- it's clear my talent is too big for an ensemble." Finn -- quite cannily for one so special, I should note -- deploys a little reverse psychology on her delicate derriere by shrugging, "Not gonna get an argument from me -- you're, like, the most talented person I know. Even more than that guy at the mall who can juggle chainsaws." He claims he just wanted to let her know that if she ever needs someone to run lines with, he'll be there for her. Rachel's speechless for a moment, and looks like she's inches away from leaping on top of him to smother him with kisses and such, but she somehow manages to pull herself together and admit, "There is a lot of dialogue." Finn, knowing the effect he's having on her, seductively suggests they ensconce themselves somewhere quiet, "with low lighting," and...you know. Rachel quivers. Finn offers her a secret little smile and a twinkle from his eye before leaving her with a studiously casual, "Let me know." The instant he's turned his back on her, though, his face falls as if he's wondering what the hell he's getting himself into, and he misses Rachel's tiny, hopeful wave goodbye.

"I could get fired for this," Emma sighs as she sits at her desk with a manila folder clutched to her adorably attired bosom. "She was a student fifteen years ago," Will argues. "No one is gonna care." That's enough for besotted Emma, I suppose, for she hands the folder over with just an instant of last-minute hesitation, and Will eagerly flips the thing open to exclaim, "I knew it! She never graduated!" The "she" in question is one "April Rhodes," whom Will calls "a goddess" and "the most talented performer in McKinley Glee Club history." "She was my first crush," he confides, noting that he was a freshman when April was a senior, but Emma's stuck on that whole "first crush" thing, because she'd been under the apparently mistaken impression that Terri had been Will's one and only forever. "So, then you've...you've had feelings for someone other than your wife?" she blinks. Will -- still oblivious -- blows past her question to Google April Rhodes, and MySpace gets an irksome bit of News Corporation-approved product placement before Will lands on April's own webpage. "Hold on, hold on, hold on!" a desperately lovesick Emma babbles, leaping to her feet for emphasis. "Reaching back into your past is a dangerous business," she warns. "A few years ago, I started an online flirtation with a high school flame, Andy. Things got weird, and I called it off, and two months later?" Here she pauses for dramatic effect. "Versace was dead." Hee! Will hoists his eyebrows into the air, likely because while he's frequently dim, he's not so stupid as to believe Emma's anywhere near old enough to have gone to high school with Andrew Cunanan, and he then continues to peruse April's website. "She's online!" he practically giggles, and starts in with the instant messaging. Nouvelle Vague's cover of "Heart Of Glass" bops onto the soundtrack as Will types, "Not sure if you remember me, but my name is Will Schuester." April's response is near-instantaneous: "Thirty-five Bontempo Road between 2 and 3. Bring buffalo wings."

Next thing we know, Will's wheeling up to the curb outside a gated, Mediterranean-style villa, and when he rings the bell, the front door's answered by...Tony luminary Kristin Chenoweth! Tony luminary Kristin Chenoweth is here decidedly orange in hue, and sports a blue denim halter-topped pantsuit that clashes with her skin tone. And her hot pink nail polish, for that matter. April Rhodes carries a large glass filled with what must be some sort of booze, for when Will asks if she remembers him, she slurs, "I don' rememerr breffuss!" They giggle as she drags him inside by his tie, and as soon as she's got him beneath the grand foyer's blood-soaked chandelier, she spins around to smile, "So! Did I sleep with you?" Will gets tongue-tied for a moment and trips over, "I-I-I was a freshman when you were a senior." April's all, "...and?" Heh. April totters into the kitchen on her high heels to fetch Will a glass of wine from the box she's just cracked open and, in response to his question, boasts that she's been doing quite well for herself lately, what with the five or six "appointments" she's been booking on a daily basis through her website. She returns to the grand foyer to press a near-overflowing tumbler into his hand and suggest he get himself settled while she slips into something a little more comfortable, and Will's on the verge of putting two and two together to get "whore" when a real estate agent bustles through the front door with an upscale couple in tow. Ooops. "You!" Sandra With Oak Crest Realty seethes upon spotting April. "This is the third time this week!" "She is a squatter!" Sandra With Oak Crest Realty screams at Will, explaining that Bontempo Manor fell into bank receivership when its previous owners foreclosed on the mortgage, and that she, Sandra With Oak Crest Realty, wants April and her john out of the grand foyer, pronto. "Let me just get my vino, and I'll be outta your hair!" Apri

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Glee

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