Episode Report Card
Demian: B | Grade It Now!
We'll Always Have Branson

Meanwhile, over in the music room, Orange April's attempting to teach Mercedes and T-T-T-Tina the subtle nuances of Divine's Shoplifting Sashay. Unfortunately, neither Mercedes nor T-T-T-Tina can keep the ground beef firmly pressed between her thighs, and what's more, neither girl sees the point of the exercise. "Your lack of imagination astounds me," Orange April sighs with a teasing smile on her face. "This is only the beginning! If you can master this, you can sneak anything out of a store between your knees." To demonstrate, she shoves a head of lettuce up her skirt and executes The Sashay perfectly. "Shoes, prom dresses...I once got a cake out of a kid's birthday party -- with the candles still lit!" Moments later, Mercedes and T-T-T-Tina stand in front of Mr. Schuester, ostentatiously sporting the jewelry, clothing, and accessories they've already managed to swipe. "She can stay," Mercedes grins. " T-T-T-Totally!" T-T-T-Tina agrees.

Meanwhile, over in the locker room, Gaylord Weiner and my glorious husband emerge from the steamy showers wearing broad, satisfied smiles on their faces and little else, followed by Orange April, whose wearing Puck's football jersey with a towel knotted turban-style around her head. Atta girl. Moments later, Puck's giving Mr. Schuester an enthusiastic thumbs-up as he, Gaylord Weiner, and Butt Lunch escort Orange April through the hallway. Mr. Schue seems pleased.

Over in a rehearsal space that's far too fancy to be found in a high school, Sandy's putting Rachel through her "Cabaret" paces, and I gotta tell ya, Rachel Berry is no Liza Minnelli. Sandy shares my opinion, for he spends the entire number rolling his eyes and shouting "I'm gonna barf!" and "Boring!" and "This is a disaster!" and "No, no, no, no, NO!" in Rachel's face. "I don't know what you want!" she finally cries. "I know what I don't want," Sandy sneers, fluttering his hands up and down Rachel's body as he continues, "and it is all of this!" "What this show needs," he announces to the room in general, "is a star with a little bit more maturity!" Holding her ground, Rachel accuses Sandy of sandbagging her so he can play Sally Bowles himself, and that is something I think we all need to see immediately. Sandy Ryerson in garters and a bowler singing "Mein Herr"? Yes, please. In any event, Rachel vows she's not going anywhere, and flounces into the next commercial break before Sandy can make another snide remark.

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