Glee

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We'll Always Have Branson

Rachel, staring straight into the camera, appropriately intense: "I'm sleeping with him." Finn, same, inappropriately elated: "So am I!" Frankenteen then breaks character to frown, "This play is weird!" because he and Rachel are not, in fact, both having sex with my glorious husband, but are instead running lines for the musical. Rachel confides that Finn's last line is Sandy's favorite before complimenting Finn on his mad acting skillz, and suggesting he join the musical. Finn turns on the charm again, such as his is, and replies that he can't do Glee and the play at the same time, though if Rachel returned to the club, he might consider it. He then suggests they go bowling together so Rachel can alleviate some of the stress she's feeling at the moment, and it sounds an awful lot like he's asking her on a date, and Rachel's about to hyperventilate when Will arrives in the music room with Orange April so the latter might learn the cues for "Don't Stop Believing." Of course, Rachel's crushed to learn Orange April's usurping her signature number, but Mr. Schue quite correctly points out that Rachel's no longer in the club, so she gathers up her scripts and makes to leave, but Will calls out to guilt-trip at the last minute, "We're all really excited to see the play. Make sure you save us a seat in the front row." Rachel twitches, then flounces out the door while Finn gazes after her, looking sad. Or confused. Something like that. Orange April plants herself at the grand piano and trills a scale: "Mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi!" Finn shakes himself out of his temporary funk to join in: "You, you, you, you, you, you, you!" and yeah, that's an incredibly cheap joke, but I'm laughing at it, anyway. Deal.

Out in the hall, Emma sports yet another adorable outfit as she smiles her way past a raccoon-eyed and disheveled Kurt. She sniffs suspiciously at the air, and spins to confront him. He's barely able to focus on her face as she eyebrows, "I'm a girl who knows her solvents, and your breath smells like rubbing alcohol." "Oh, Bambi!" Kurt whimpers. "I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy!" And then he vomits on her feet. HA! Emma squeals in horrified disgust, and the next thing we know, she's...

...gingerly tiptoeing into the teachers' lounge, having changed into yet another adorable outfit. "Hey, Em," Will greets her. "I'm just trying to figure out the set list for Saturday..." "I just got back from the emergency room," Emma interrupts. "Had them give me four decontamination showers -- I think they call that 'The Full Silkwood.'" Heh. She explains what happened, noting, "He's not really fessing up to how he got the booze just yet, but I'm pretty sure it's not a fake ID, because he looks like an eleven-year-old milkmaid." HA! Emma believes Orange April's responsible, as "her backpack's always clinking with empties." She also chastises Will regarding the path he's led the Glee Club down since Orange April returned to school. "We have obligations as teachers," she reminds him, "to give kids opportunities for growth and enrichment, and with April in Glee, you're taking away a kid's chance to grow, and you're giving it to someone whose brain is soaked in corn booze." Point to Miss Pillsbury. Will argues...something self-serving that I really don't care about, because Kristin Chenoweth's a single-episode guest star, so Orange April will likely never be seen again after tonight, so whatever. Emma asks him to think -- really, really think -- about what he's doing, and with that, she takes her leave. Will pouts.

Over in that rehearsal space that's far too fancy to be found in a high school, Rachel's fallen into her own personal hell as Sandy Ryerson screams -- in slow motion -- "Yooooooouuuuuuu SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" and the next thing we know, Rachel's hidden herself away in the ladies' for a good, long cry. Aw. Yeah, she's can be an overbearing, shrill pain in the ass a lot of the time, but still: Aw. In any event, Rachel stifles the tears as soon as she hears the door squeaking open, and it's Orange April, who lets loose with a couple of aws herself. "Tough day at the office, cookie?" she asks, kindly. Rachel babbles something delusional and self-serving about the difficult path one as talented as she must follow through life, and Orange April responds by wondering if Rachel's got any Nyquil, as Orange April needs a little pick-me-up to make it through the rest of the afternoon. Rachel stares like Orange April's just farted on her best dress. Orange April shrugs it off and, while adding to the already heavy eyeliner caked to her lids with a pencil she yanks from her purse, conversationally remarks, "These high school boys are a lot hotter than they used to be -- that Finn Hudson is one cutie pie I gots my eye on!" Rachel, naturally, freaks and, with that massive pole she's got rammed up her butt at all times stiffening her spine, haughtily and loudly lectures, "I think your behavior is totally inappropriate, and your presence in this school a complete travesty! What you choose to do with your life is your own business, but don't go around screwing up everyone else's!" Orange April -- who's got chunks of girls like Rachel in her stool, bless -- levels her eyes on her prissy little would-be rival and states, "I'm not afraid of you, sweetie." She lowers her volume even more, and next almost whispers, "There was a time when I was the biggest star around here, and now that I've got that back? I'm never letting it go!" With that, she grabs her purse and hums her merry way out of the can. Meanwhile, Rachel's nervous breakdown continues apace.

Lima Lanes. "I Wanna New Drug" grinds onto the soundtrack as Rachel gags at the thought of sticking her fingers in a used ball. Finn pshaws at her concerns, sets her up with the garish pink one from the rack of availables, and offers her some words of advice regarding her aim and her arm, but it's all for naught, as she gutters on her first throw. "You sure this is your first time?" he jokes, putting her at ease, and it's cute and sweet and BORING, and oh, look! There's Orange April, bowling a strike a couple of lanes down! What are the odds? Will, who of course is there with her, cheers and says, "See what you can accomplish when you're sober?" "'Sober'?" Orange April snorts. "I'm rolling on a fistful of horse tranquilizers -- I can't feel my lips! Y'know, I think I'm gonna keep these shoes!" Atta girl. Will sighs, and sits Orange April down to tell her he's concerned she's a bad influence on the Glee Club. If she doesn't shape up, she's out. Orange April immediately vows to get back on the wagon, and Will -- moron that he so often is -- takes her at her word. Will then slyly slides a reference the episode's title into conversation when he admits, "I have to tell you something: Of all the roads I've never travelled in my life, the one I regret the most was never getting the chance to sing with you." Orange April's genuinely moved by his confession, so she drags him into the alley's bar for a shot at the karaoke machine. And the song they select? "Alone" by Heart, and oh, sweet Jesus, this takes me back. Mainly to all the Fat Ann Wilson jokes that were circulating my senior year in high school, but still. (I'll start one for you: Why were Heart's concert tickets so expensive? Go nuts. My favorite answer involved the forklift they needed to haul her around onstage.) Needless to say, it goes over very well with the Lima Lanes regulars, but the sound editor for this segment should be taken out and shot, because rare is it that Kristin Chenoweth's lips synch up to the words she's supposedly singing. Oh, well.

Meanwhile, at the other end of the alley, Finn and Rachel enjoy some delicious-looking pizza featuring pepperoni imported from Michigan. The topic of conversation eventually swings around to Glee Club, as it must, and Finn tells Rachel how much everyone misses her. "I love Glee," Rachel confesses, "but I just don't

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Glee

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