Glee

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As the introductory vamp of Katy Perry's "California Gurls" assaults our ear-holes, the camera snaps open on an anonymous, blue-wigged Cheerio, who's sporting a skimpy bikini top over her carwash skirt while twirling a flaming whip above her head. After a few seconds of this, the lithe Lima kitten lashes a brief tongue of fire out towards the lens, and we're off. The shot immediately pulls back to reveal Sue Sylvester -- positively regal in her finest Nancy Reagan-red tracksuit, the one with the daring black-and-white racing stripes down the sides -- presiding over what's obviously a rehearsal of the Cheerios' latest daring routine, this one featuring not only the finest scantily clad jailbait western Ohio has to offer, but also a bunch of BMX-boy randoms casually tossing off what I'm guessing are meant to be thrilling aerial stunts on a set of ramps set up especially for this purpose in the middle of McKinley High's gymnasium. Fire pots belch rhythmically in the background. One young lady works her flaming hula hoop to death as other members of the squad prance around her, and as impressive as that is, I think my favorite bit comes when four especially enthusiastic gals materialize center stage to skip around whilst spinning their fire poi about in various eye-dazzling configurations. The grand finale involves two particularly pert Cheerios igniting their WMHS-emblazoned cone bras to lead the rest of their compatriots in a sparkly Glamazon stomp of high-attitude elegance down the middle of the backflipping BMXers, and once it's over, Sue raises her trusty megaphone to her mouth to blare, "I'M BORED." And you know what? Sue's got a point. Delightful as this particular opening was -- despite the dreadful so-called "song" it was set to -- it sure as hell didn't come anywhere close to "Ray Of Light" on stilts, to offer only one example of the Cheerios' storied past routines, but perhaps I'd better let Sue Sylvester explain her crushing sense of ennui in her own words.

First, however, she has a request: "Brittany, please remind me of how I single-handedly put cheerleading on the map." Brit-Brit, looking surprisingly fetching in her hideous Smurf-blue Katy Perry wig, rotely recites, "In 1979, you directed a made-for-TV movie about the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders called The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders." I had no idea Sue Sylvester directed that masterpiece -- which really needs to be released on DVD, and soon -- but I digress, for Sue follows up with the rhetorical inquiry, "And in the meantime, what's changed?" "Personal grooming habits?" Quinn slyly guesses. "What's changed," Sue corrects her, "is I have completely lost interest, and ladies? I blame you!" The camera pans past Brit-Brit's sad little chastened expression to land on Santana's typically smug moue before cutting back to Sue, who turns to her enforcer, Becky, with the order to distribute "more silicone falsies." As Becky complies, dipping into a red McKinley Titans bucket for the slimy-looking things, Sue instructs, "You will each enhance your bust with an additional pair of chicken cutlets in an attempt to add some jiggle to what is the most boring routine I have ever witnessed!" [And yet she hated Santana's breast implants... - Zach]

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Glee

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