Over in Finn's neck of the woods, Frankenteen steels his resolve, grooms himself by licking his index and pinkie fingers before pushing them up in Y formation across his unruly brows, and heads over to Santana Lopez to confirm their night of V-losing debauchery. Atta boy.

Sue's Office. Kurt and Mercedes meekly rap at the door and, upon gaining entry to the trophy-lined sanctum, announce that they'd like a word with her regarding her distressed response to Mr. Schuester's insults earlier that afternoon. Sue orders them to close the door and take a seat before launching herself into the following monologue regarding her difficult childhood, delivered brilliantly, of course, by Jane Lynch: "You know, kids, I grew up with a handicapable sister. My parents were famous Nazi hunters, so they weren't around a lot. I had to bring her up on my own, so I didn't have a lot of time or money to keep up with all the latest looks. But on my sixth birthday, True Blue was released -- an album that would later sell over 30 million copies -- and my sister and I took it upon ourselves to bleach my hair with whatever chemicals we could find around the house -- ammonia, napalm. My hair was so damaged, I've been forced to wear it short ever since. It's been a daily, ongoing pain." Nazi hunters and napalm. Gotta love it. Kurt's on the verge of tears thanks to Sue's heartwrenching tale of deprivation and woe, but Mercedes has spent the last several seconds doing some mental mathematics and puzzles, "Wait -- that would make you, like, thirty." "Twenty-nine," Sue corrects. Hee! "And here's the truth," Sue admits, of course doing no such thing in the world we call Sanity, "I mercilessly pick on Will Schuester's lustrous, wavy hair because I'm jealous! There, I said it." "I think we can help," Kurt begins. "Mercedes is black, I'm gay -- we make culture." "Go on," Sue replies, knowing Kurt speaks the truth. Kurt proposes they join forces to produce a shot-by-shot recreation of "Vogue" starring Sue Sylvester and several of her Cheerios because stupid FOX released the video a week early and blew the surprise for everyone. "And we can help you find a new look!" Mercedes cheerfully adds. Sue Sylvester is intrigued.