So, Maharishi Figgins has decided that Tina's goth style indicates that she's at serious risk for an attack of spontaneous vampirism, so he insists that she abandon her look. And then Rachel learns that Vocal Adrenaline has purchased every fairy light and yard of red lace in the tri-county area. Which can only mean that they are planning a Lady Gaga number for Regionals (because unlike New Directions, they are actually planning their performance for Regionals instead of doing stupid weekly assignments). Will responds to both pieces of news by assigning the kids to explore their theatricality, by which he meant they should do a Lady Gaga number of their own. The girls plus Kurt all spend the episode in amazing Gagariffic costumes, and they perform a stunning "Bad Romance."
The boys (minus Kurt and Jesse, who is inexplicably missing this episode) don't want to perform Lady Gaga, partly because Finn is having a little homosexual panic, caused by the news that he and Carol are moving in with Burt and Kurt and that the two boys will be sharing a bedroom. He freaks out and uses the "F" word when confronted with Kurt's North African fantasia of a bedroom, causing Burt to freak out and tell Finn he can't live with him if he can't respect Kurt. In the end, Finn comes around and, in a fabulous red vinyl gown, defends Kurt from two bullies. But not before the boys (minus K and J) perform Kiss's "Shout It Out Loud." in fully theatrical makeup, of course.
Finally, while spying on a Vocal Adrenaline rehearsal, Rachel hears Shelby sing (because apparently Will is not the only show choir director who can't resist stealing the limelight) and realizes she's hearing the same voice she heard on that tape last episode. She immediately approaches Shelby and comes out to her. Unfortunately, instead of the joyous reunion they both wanted, meeting each other makes them both unbearably sad. So they decide to part (for now), but not before singing a fun but highly inappropriate "Poker Face."
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So, the "Previously, on Glee" voice-over guy has decided to get funny by pretending to be kind of stupid. I should probably say something mean and snarky about that, but I kind of like it, because now I can pretend that we're hearing the inner monologue of one of the members of the Glee brain trust (also known as Finn, Will and Brittany).
Maharishi's office. It's very tense, as single-T Tina and Will sit across from Maharishi Figgins. Tina (looking goth-tastic in a black top, blood-red pendant necklace, and tiny top hat with a ribbon and some kind of silver medal on it) is worried that she's in trouble. Will reassures her that it must have something to do with her perfect attendance record. But the Maharishi tells us that she is, in fact, in trouble. He has learned that Tina is a goth, and he's concerned that she's coming down with a case of Twilight fever, one symptom of which is children being transformed into vampires. The Maharishi is very concerned, because just yesterday, "this dark specter reared its head at McKinley High."
Smear sideways to a group of McKinley High's vast array of social misfits. In this case, a group of young women who are all wearing black "Team Edward" t-shirts, black satin capes, vampire teeth, and realistic looking bite marks on their necks. The captain of Team Edward just happens to be Lauren, a.k.a., the wrestler from the Old Maids Club and the president of the A.V. Club. I think she's turning into this show's version of April Tuna. Lauren Tuna tells her coven that what they're about to do will surely get Robert Pattinson's attention -- and then they rush Jewfro, knocking him to the ground and biting various limbs.
Back in the Maharishi's Sanctum of Superstition, Will is cautiously trying to make sure that Figgins realizes that vampires aren't real. Figgins: "William, denial will not make this problem go away." Tina points out that her parents won't even let her watch the Twilight movies, because her mom "thinks Kristen Stewart seems like a bitch." Figgins doesn't care -- he's laying down the law, insisting that Tina find another style of dress. (I love the way Figgins calls her "Ms. Cohen-Chang." Partly because it shows genuine respect for students to address them in the same manner you want them to address you, and partly because his accent almost makes it sound like he's calling her "Ms. Corn Chip.") Will tries to explain the importance of not squelching teen self-expression, and admits to spending a year of high school dressing like Kurt Cobain. He asks whether Maharishi Figgins ever had a sartorial role model. Figgins: "Yes, for several years in my early twenties I dressed up as Elvis. But he was a Christian, Will, and he did not possess the ability to transform into a bat." No, just the ability to get really fat. Tina and Will are worried that Figgins actually believes in vampires. Anyway, the point of the discussion is that Figgins is convinced that a strict dress code will cut down on instances of gang violence and vampirism, so he'll suspend Tina if she makes another appearance in an all-black ensemble. Hey, here's a question -- this meeting had nothing to do with Glee Club or Spanish class. So why was Will there? Title card.