Fallout from Principal Figgins's end-of-episode dictate last week is, as you would imagine, immediate, as new Glee co-director Sue Sylvester quickly moves to exploit a readily apparent chink in the club's armor: Will's terrible habit of shunting the minority students into the background in favor of showcasing Rachel and Finn. To that end, she unearths a loophole in the show choir rulebook that allows smaller subsections of eligible teams to perform individual songs at Sectionals, and siphons off Santana Lopez, "Wheels," "Gay Kid," "Asian," "Other Asian," "Aretha," and "Shaft" to form "Sue's Kids." Will, at Terri's urging, retaliates by academically disqualifying nearly all of Sue's Cheerios because, as it turns out, McKinley High's faculty has been socially promoting functionally illiterate cheerleaders for years rather than face Sue Sylvester's considerable wrath.
When Sue responds to this outrage by further poaching Puck and Britney -- he's Jewish, you know, and she's a member of that infamously oppressed minority group known as "the Dutch" -- the co-directors' simmering war of attrition erupts into the titular throwdown between Sue and Will right there in the middle of the auditorium during a Sectionals rehearsal, and all of the kids end up flouncing in disgust, with the football players most awesomely carrying Artie out in his wheelchair. And in the end, it's Sue, oddly enough, who proposes a truce, stepping aside to allow the reconstituted club to proceed without her interference. I'm convinced it's merely a strategic retreat on her part, and next week will find her slowly poisoning the entire ungrateful lot of them with arsenic-laced PowerBars when she's not busily sneaking Nair into their shampoo bottles.
In actual baby news, Will escorts Finn and Quinn to one of Lima's two obstetricians for an ultrasound, and it's a healthy girl with nary a mutation -- not even any of the cool ones. Quinn's still determined to hand the thing off for adoption, but Finn's feeling increasingly paternal, even going so far as to propose several utterly inappropriate names for the child. Meanwhile, J-Fro threatens to plaster Quinn's pregnancy all over his McKinley High gossip blog, but Rachel manages to purchase the perv's momentary silence with a used pair of her granny panties. Unfortunately, Sue finds those granny panties during a routine locker check and, after beating the entire sordid story out of J-Fro, forces him to publish it anyway.
And finally, in nonexistent baby news, Terri and her delightfully horrible psychopath of a sister, Kendra, blackmail Terri's obstetrician into faking an ultrasound in order to keep Will fooled about that pregnancy pad Terri's been lugging around for the last couple of months. I'm not 100% positive about this, but I'm pretty sure Will's an idiot.
Previously on Glee: The show added its own previously-on-Glee bit, which LTG refused to recap, so I'm going to ignore it, too. Take that, Wackily Voiced Announcer Man!
As various Glee Club members look on with stunned, disbelieving expressions of vaguely disgusted horror (or, in Britney's case, "blankly"), Miss Sylvester and Mr. Schuester engage in an extreme slow-motion Godzilla Versus Megalon-style giant-against-weakling duel to the death in the middle of McKinley High's auditorium, all exaggerated gesticulations and baying mouths, with their voices reduced to the sorts of drawn-out yowls one expects to find in pretentious mid-'80s New Wave videos. "How did this happen?" Will's voiceover wonders as the camera focuses tight on his face turning various shades of violet and crimson. "I look like a crazy person -- that's not me!" Alas, but it is, for Will's been brought low by the constant bickering that's been going on ever since last week's decongestant incident when, as you'll recall, Principal Figgins ordered Will to accept Sue as co-captain of the club. "I'm so ashamed of myself," Will's voiceover continues while his on-screen self pushes its face into Sue's to bellow while flapping its arms around in the air. "She's turned me into her!" And this would be unfortunate...how, exactly? Oh, right -- sorry, I forgot whom I'm supposed to be rooting for, because Miss Sue Sylvester is quite simply that awesome, especially after she assumes narrative responsibilities as her theme song -- "O Fortuna" from Orff's Carmina Burana -- kicks in on the soundtrack. "Look at me!" her voiceover marvels as her on-screen self contorts its screaming face into a rictus of rage and draws its hands into gnarled claws. "Even in the heat of battle," her admiring voiceover continues, "I'm so elegant! Regal! I am Ajax, mighty Greek warrior! God, it feels good to finally pop that zit known as Will Schuester!" "Shut up, Sue!" Will's voiceover interrupts before catching itself and sighing, "Look at us -- we're even fighting in our voiceovers." Will's voiceover muses that the real trouble began "a couple of days ago," when Principal Figgins summoned the two of them into his office for a summit, and with that, we're...