In Ohio: Single-T Tina quite unexpectedly finds herself nominated for Prom Queen, and she proceeds to run her seldom-seen assistant Dottie Kazatori ragged in an effort to drum up votes for her campaign. Naturally, this means poor, neglected Dottie's especially vulnerable to an overture from the unnecessarily unfunny New Santana, the latter of whom promises Dottie a spot on the Cheerios if Dottie willingly conspires to Carrie Tina with a bucket of Slushies at the big dance. Fortunately for Tina, Pretty Kitty and the other Glee Clubbers are on hand to offer her a lightning-fast makeover after Dottie yanks on the rope, and Tina returns to the prom stage triumphant. And as for the already-tiresome New Santana? Principal Sue rewards her obnoxiousness with a promotion to captain of the cheerleading squad, and further tasks her with harassing The New New Directions for the remainder of the school year, because those kids supposedly work better together when they share a common enemy or something. Joy.
In New York: The One True Santana Lopez finds comfort in the arms of the badly miscast Demi Lovato, St. Gay Of Lima manages to land a paying gig at -- wait for it -- the exact same diner where his roommates are currently ruining orders and The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway gets cast as Fanny Brice.
In Other News: McKinley High's brand-new and ludicrously incompetent school nurse dimwits her way into Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen's heart and… yeah, to hell with all that. You know what? I'm going to ignore him until he washes his goddamned hair already.
Featuring an extremely brief snippet of "Revolution," as performed by Single-T Tina; "Get Back," as performed by St. Gay Of Lima, Old Idiot Rachel and a whole posse of instantly forgettable Fake Drama School In New York extras; "Something," as performed by the disgustingly coiffed Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen whilst pining away for the brutally stupid new school nurse; "Here Comes The Sun," as performed by The One True Santana Lopez and her new lady-love; "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band," as performed at the big dance by New Puck, New Finn, Urethra Franklin and Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel; "Hey Jude," as performed by the current members of The New New Directions during Tina's post-Slushie makeover; and a surprisingly peppy "Let It Be," as performed by nearly everybody in the cast. Well, except for Finn, of course. Where's he been the last couple of weeks, anyway?
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"So, how does it work with gay marriage?" Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen wonders aloud whilst reclining on the McKinley High music room piano. "Do you take his last name," Lady Lips continues, "or does he take yours, or do you both hyphenate?" Dreamboat Blaine, who's been idly tickling the ivories somewhere north of Sam's head this entire time, replies that he's too busy trying to wrap his mind around the fact that St. Gay Of Lima actually said yes at the end of last week's Super-Gay Gay Marriage Proposal Extravaganza to think of such details, then shifts the conversational topic over to this week's impending prom dramarama. "I fell asleep last night while Tina was texting me about her dress," he confides before adding, "It's really nice that you're going with her, by the way."
Lady Lips heaves a beleaguered sigh, so we already know that's going to become A Huge Hairy Issue this evening even before he notes, "It's my senior prom, so I kinda wish I was going with somebody I really care about." "Damn!" he realizes as he hauls himself up into a sitting position atop the piano. "I have seriously been unlucky in love!" And you're going to continue to be seriously unlucky in love if you don't wash your goddamned hair, you sleazeball. Not that I give a flying rat's crap about any of the tedious, angst-ridden romantic subplots on this show, ever, but still. Who in the hell thought that hairstyle was a good choice for this character this season, huh?
In any event, Sam's musings are interrupted by the arrival of Mr. Schue, who wastes little time reminding us all that last week's Beatlemania will continue apace until every single member of this show's rapidly dwindling audience is completely disgusted with the band and everything it ever represented. He gamely launches himself into one of his lengthy and instantly forgettable monologues involving this week's band's relevance to The New New Directions' current situation, but I really can't be bothered to listen to any of it this time around, so it's quite a relief when Principal Sylvester cuts it all short to grace us all with the following announcement via the school's PA system: "Good afternoon, McKinley High. This year, all the proms are being fused into one giant Brundleprom. And now for the moment that will crush ninety-nine percent of your misguided views about your own popularity: Here are your nominees for Prom King and Queen." First up are the guys, with Dreamboat Blaine and Artie joining someone named "Mohammed Omar" and Stoner Brett Bukowski as the gentlemen on the court. Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen is quite dismayed by his omission from the list, even though we all know he shouldn't be, because MY GOD, YOU IDIOT, WOULD YOU PLEASE DO SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR HAIR?