Glory Days
Clowning Glory

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Clowns and...uh, Clowns

"Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhwaah!" cry the opening credits. You'd cry, too, if this show happened to you.

At the carnival 'n' crime scene, a police artist is sketching Scary Clown based on the other slacker guy's description. Ellie, Mike, and Rudy are standing over Slacker Guy's headless body; Ellie says that the killer must have taken the head as a souvenir. "Think we got a killer clown on the loose?" asks Mike. Everyone heads off to do their useless police/forensics investigation. "I told you, Mike, there's nothing happy about clowns," says Ellie. That's so true. The only time clowns ever make people happy is when they hand out free shit. Like, the only reason kids ever wanted to go see Bozo's Circus live is because they thought they'd get to play Bozo Buckets and win a Schwinn bike with a banana seat. But it was such a scam because the waiting list to get tickets to Bozo's Circus was so long that you seriously had to wait seven years, and then when you finally got to go, you were like, twelve, and totally embarrassed to be there, and by then you'd figured out that the only kids who got to play Bozo Buckets were kids who were having a birthday that day, but still a little part of you hoped that the Magic Arrow would land on you, but it never did, and it sucked, and maybe that happened to Ellie, too.

Next day at the Hash 'n' Whore, Hazel gives Sam one of her necklaces: a heart-shaped locket thing. "Are you sure you want to give this to me?" says Sam. "I see how you've been eyeing it," says Hazel. Ellie is sitting with them and admits that the necklace is beautiful, though you'd think Sam would go more for that Claire's Boutique kind of stuff. Sam goes to wait on tables; Ellie shoos away another clown. The restaurant is infested with clowns, see. Mike comes in, and Ellie quickly ducks behind the counter to hide behind Hazel. "He asked me to read some pages from his new book," Ellie whispers. "How bad are they?" says Hazel. "They're not bad...they're...uh, they're bad," says Ellie. She explains that she's glad Mike's writing again and doesn't want to discourage him. Hazel asks Ellie what she's going to do. "I don't know...avoid, lie, move?" says Ellie. Mike calls over to Hazel from the table asking her if she's seen Ellie. Hazel walks over and says she hasn't, and Ellie sneaks out behind them and hurries out the door. A moment later, a pretty Asian girl walks in trying to wheel her in suitcase behind her. Rudy gets up and helps her. "Thank you, officer," she says, shyly. Sara runs up and hugs the girl, who she introduces to Rudy as Kim, her sorority sister. Kim just smiles and stares at Rudy. Rudy gets tongue-tied and introduces himself as "Dudy Runlop," and then asks her what brings her to town. Kim just keeps staring with a spacey smile and then finally she says, "I came to see my long-lost friend Sara," and after a moment it occurs to her to hug Sara. I think I'll call her Dim. "I missed you," she says to Sara. "I missed you, too," says Sara. Then Dim goes back to staring at Rudy.

Mike and Rudy go outside to the carnival; Mike's fixed up Rudy with Dim, and they're all supposed to meet up later. Rudy acts all chagrined over the fix-up idea, for some damn reason, but cheers up when he hears that Dim digs him. Just then, there's a clown commotion. Two clowns dressed exactly alike are having a decidedly non-kooky scuffle: it's attack of the clown clones. Mike and Rudy go to break them up. "What's going on?" says Rudy. "Look at him!" yells one clown. "He looks like me! You don't steal another guy's look!" "C'mon, Rufus," his clown clone yells back. "You've seen this clown suit a million times -- you're drunk!" Clown One tries to lunge at him again, and Mike shoves him away and tells him to go get some coffee. Clown Clone thanks Mike and Rudy and introduces himself as Jack Corbin. He picks up a pack of cigars that he dropped, and walks off. Mike and Rudy wonder if he's a suspect, because one of the boring useless clues they discovered was evidence of some kind of nicotine use at the crime scene. Mike goes over to Clown Corbin and asks him if he can interview him for a piece on "the inside life of clowns" for the Glory Gazette. They agree to meet at the motel where Clown Corbin is staying. "The inside life of clowns"? Inside where? The little clown car they all ride around in? Duh.

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Glory Days

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