Glory Days
Death, Lies And Videotape

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Spinsters and Stabbers

Glory Gazette newsroom. Sara's in her office talking on the phone when Mitzi runs in. Mitzi babbles excitedly that Handsome Bachelor's stopped by and she whips out a brush and starts trying to brush Sara's hair. Sara just flails around in mortified horror. "I will not allow you to pimp for me," she tells Mitzi. Mitzi narrows her eyes and looks at Sara, and suddenly it's completely clear where Bad Boundary Boy got his lousy habits from, because she asks Sara, "When was the last time a man touched you?" "This is ridiculous!" says Sara, who tries to walk out. Mitzi blocks her way: "When?" Oh, ew. Sara sighs and mutters, "I don't remember." I keep hoping she'll add, "So why don't you ask my Hitachi Magic Wand?" But she just stands there all pitiful, looking very uncomfortable from all the cobwebs in her panties; she'd take them off and dust them, but, gosh, she forgot how. Mitzi strokes Sara's hair and acts like she's the Mother Teresa of neglected vaginas everywhere. Sara goes out to talk to Handsome Bachelor; suddenly she's got too much makeup on and her hair in a dopey little barrette. Handsome Bachelor asks her out.

Mike drops by Koroner Kottage. He sees Ellie's Friend in the yard working out with a punching bag which is actually a cadaver in a body bag. I get out my driver's license and turn it over and look at the organ donor form and find section 3A: "Do you wish your remains to be used as a punching bag?" I check the little box next to "NO." Mike is freaked out and walks into the house without Ellie's Friend noticing. Ellie doesn't seem to be home. There's an open suitcase on the couch -- a threatening suitcase up to no good! -- and so Bad Boundary Boy springs into action! He sees the videotape inside and grabs it and pops it into a VCR. The tape shows some guy getting stabbed by whoever's holding the camera, and, really, is it so surprising that Ellie the Corpse Lady would be hanging out with some guy who's into snuff? Maybe they met after putting up pictures on AmIDeadOrNot.com. But Mike's freaked out, and he hears someone come in through the front door, and so he yanks out the video and stuffs it back in the suitcase. Then Ellie's Friend grabs Mike and chloroforms him. Mike's all, "Auggh!" Thump!

When Mike comes to, he's tied to a chair in Ellie's house. Ellie walks in and doesn't untie Mike. Mike's jiggling his chair around and squealing, "Ellie! Untie me! He's going to come back and kill us both!" Ellie doesn't untie Mike. She verbally bitch-slaps Mike for breaking and entering and being such a pain in the ass. She doesn't untie Mike. She tells him to shut up. I love this scene. Finally she explains the deal with her friend William: the guy being killed on the tape was William's best friend, Nick, and the killer sent it to William. Before Nick was killed, Nick got sent a tape of one of his friends getting killed, therefore, William knows he's the next victim. See? It's a neat little buddy system. And William won't go to the police because he doesn't trust them, or the FBI, because Nick was killed while in the FBI's custody. Uh, okay, so a good alternative is to have Ellie guard him in her cute little cabin with the unlocked front door? Will there also be round-the-clock Cub Scout surveillance? Will the kid from Home Alone set booby traps? Mike thinks this is a big load of hooey and asks Ellie, "Is the sex that good? Because people have accused me of warping reality, but this is nuts!" Ellie's offended. Ellie's Friend William comes in and hands Ellie a list. "Can you get me these supplies? I can't stay here now." They leave the room and Mike's like, "Hey! Untie me!" and he wriggles around trying to get free, all, "Urngh! Urgh! Dammit!" until he falls over in the chair. I hit the "rewind" button. "Urngh! Urgh! Dammit!" Mike wriggles around trying to get free until he falls over in the chair. Rewind: "Urgh! Dammit!" He falls over.

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Glory Days

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