Glory Days
Everybody Loves Rudy

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Dates and Dorks

This last week my TiVo and I had a little misunderstanding, so a gazillion thanks to Jessica for taping this episode after I watched the whole damn thing live and discovered, to my horror, that the little red light never went on. And thanks to the West Coast for being two hours ahead of Chicago, and I'd also just like to thank time zones in general, and also thank the world for being round, and all that. Whew.

Rudy's at some chick's house. They're drinking wine. Rudy laughs. Date laughs. Date has that scary kind of laugh where it sounds like she's on the verge of sobbing hysterically. Rudy's out of uniform and wearing remarkably heterosexual street clothes. Date tells Rudy she's glad they could get together, and apologizes for burning the chicken. She had him over to her house for dinner on a first date? That's so wrong. Wendola's Dating Rule #1: Don't fix the guy dinner until you're sure you can stand him. You don't want to get into that petty shit about which way to slice a tomato. Anyway, Rudy says he had a good time. They walk to the door. Date is all giggly-giggle. Rudy says he'll call her in a couple of days, and leans in to kiss her. Date shuts off the giggles like a faucet. "Oh, I don't think so," Date says. She tells Rudy he's a nice guy and all that, but she just doesn't think she "felt it." "You know, that spark? That animal connection?" She apologizes and says they could be friends. Rudy laughs The Rueful Laugh of The Dumped. Date wishes him luck and shuts the door. She puts the chain latch on the door while he's still right outside. Wendola's Dating Rule #2: wait at least until the guy goes down the stairs. Unless it was after one of those really nasty booty calls. Date's just latched the door when one of those darn Mystery Predators, with black leather gloves and amazingly hyper-extendable arms, comes up from behind her and clamps a hand over her mouth. Outside, Rudy thinks he hears something going on inside, but he probably figures she's just putting back all her really embarrassing CDs (Rule #3: don't let him give you shit about the old INXS stuff), and he walks down the steps. Date struggles on the floor with Mystery Predator. Mystery Predator holds a big knife waayy up high and plunges it down. Date screams. Knife plunges again. Date moans. There's more psychosexual imagery than you can shake...er, a stick at. Date dies.

The next day, Date is lying on her floor, having been stabbed to death in a very tasteful and understated way. Really it looks like she spilled motor oil on her shirt and decided to take a nap. Ellie is standing over the body with her tape recorder, giving her coroner report, wearing a black turtleneck pantsuit with a very smart red tailored jacket -- a little too Ivana Trump for my taste, but definitely in keeping with the Classy Death motif here. Her report: Date has been stabbed through the heart. Rudy's back in full cop drag and is really tense. Outside, Ellie tells him that the incision angle seemed very deliberate: "Almost like someone wanted to get right at her heart." "Crime of passion," Rudy mumbles. Ellie says the estimated time of death was between 10:00 PM and 1:00 AM. "Make that between midnight and one," says Rudy. Ellie asks him if he knows something, but just then, Mike butts in. Rudy tells him the crime tape is there for a reason; Mike seems to think it means he's tall enough to get on the Six Flags theme park ride known as The Big Annoying Butt-In. He asks Rudy if he has a statement for the newspaper and exchanges a cutesy look with Ellie. No comment. Rudy also says, "No comment," but I think he means the murder. Mike hassles him some more. Finally, Rudy says, "I knew her." Bittersweet music plays.

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Glory Days

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