Glory Days
Everybody Loves Rudy

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Dates and Dorks

Anyway. Rudy says he has to go. "What, you're leaving?" says Piranhica, clamping her hand over Rudy's. Rudy pries her hand off and rehashes the old you're-nice-but-I- didn't-feel-that-spark- you-know-that- animal-connection speech that Dead Date laid on him. Then he runs the hell out. Hazel shoots a smug look at Piranhica. Hazel's still the Alpha Ho.

Rudy springs Mike from jail and says, "I don't see any reason to hold you," and it's a double blow (no pun intended) for slash writers everywhere. McHardass fumes some more and Rudy tells him to get out of Glory. "Say goodbye to your future in law enforcement, Sheriff," hisses McHardass. Rudy's like, "Yeah, yeah, law, enforcement, whatever." Rudy's just about to call the Gazette office to question Personal Howard when Sara walks into the station, carrying Howard's tin lunch box with the pretty pink stickers. She looks freaked out and plunks it on the front desk. "Open it!" she cries. Inside are Polaroids of Dead Date and Piranhica, all taken from a distance and showing them walking down the street, getting into their cars, sitting in restaurants. "Oh my God," says Mike, shuffling through the pictures. Yeah, that is one crappy fur coat Piranhica's got on in those photos. But I guess they're all shocked because Howard's a creepy stalker or something. Mike asks Sara if she knows where Howard is right now. Sara gets this "Holy shit! I don't know!" look. Or maybe it's a "Holy shit! I do know!" look. Or maybe it's a "What, do you think I just sit around and keep track of all the pathetic little puds in this town?" look.

At any rate, Personal Howard is...at the Dolan house! He knocks on the door and Mitzi answers. "Um, this is a surprise," Mitzi says. "Aren't you going to let me in?" he asks. He smiles. He says he's brought over the proofs for the Gazette's recipe section for her to look over. Hmm, Howard's been getting ideas from that Hot 'n' Horny Editorial Production Action III video. The phone rings, and the answering machine kicks in; it's Sara calling, saying it's urgent. Howard confesses that he wasn't "just in the neighborhood," and that he was hoping he and Mitzi could "talk" about his "eyes" and you'd think Mitzi would just "kick him" in the "balls," but instead she does that whole walking-backwards-in-a- circle-trying-to- come-up-with-some- gentle-but-convoluted- explanation-to-get-the- creepy-guy-to-go-away kind of thing. She says she acted the way she did the other day because she's bi-polar. Personal Howard grins, probably because he thinks the term "bi-polar" means something else, if you know what I mean. But Mitzi skips around and acts all nutty, which, oh, I'm sure will DISCOURAGE THE DELUSIONAL STALKER GUY. Howard insists that he "felt something" the other day, and is sure that she felt it, too, and the phone rings again and Mitzi goes to answer it but first goes into another huge elaborate explanation of how she's too old for him and all, and Personal Howard says he doesn't mind, and finally she gets the fucking phone. It's Sara, asking if Howard's there. "Why, yes, dear!" says Mitzi. Sara asks if she's okay. "I'm pretty sure I'm not!" says Mitzi, perkily. Sara tells her to hang on and that help is on the way and her voice is all desperate, like it's such a huge deal, like the police are racing against time so that Mitzi won't, for the love of God, have to hear Howard quote entire Monty Python sketches verbatim. Mitzi holds out the phone to Howard: "Sara would like to talk to you," she says. Then she shrieks and clobbers him with the receiver. Sara hears the shrieking and the clobbering and she starts screaming, too. Howard's all "Mitzi...why?" and she whaps him upside the head some more, and then Rudy and Deputy Tim kick in the door and cuff Howard, and Mike and Ellie are there, just to rub it in.

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Glory Days

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