We see an island across the water of a Pacific Northwest bay. And then we hear a foghorn: a big, flatulent "URRRRGGNNN!!!!" Thar she blows! Kevin Williamson's new show! It's a monster, aye!
The foghorn is from a ferryboat with "NORTHWEST FERRIES: GLORY ISLAND" painted on the side. Here's where the crappy '80s song "Don't Pay the Ferryman" by Chris DeBurgh starts playing an endless loop in my head. But when you consider that it's managed to displace "Glory Days" -- the even crappier '80s song by Bruce Springsteen -- you'll understand that I'm grateful.
Passengers stroll along the deck. A teacher leading a group of high-school kids around asks them to "note the wing span of the seagull," and asks them if anyone knows its origins. "Chekhov?" says one kid, because even though it's just five seconds into the show, Kevin Williamson wants us to remember that wherever there's seagulls, and water, and boats, there are quippy, literate teens.
Passengers continue strolling around. A loudspeaker announces that they'll be docking in five minutes. A girl with purple hair walks in front of some tourist chick who is furiously snapping pictures. "Check the mirror! Purple hair is out!" bitches the tourist. Purple Hair Girl smirks and walks off. Bitchy Tourist aims her camera at a guy reading a book a few feet away. You wouldn't think she'd need a photo of him, since you can see this guy's picture in those Glory Days ads that are freaking everywhere right now, but I guess she doesn't ride the bus or, like, leave her house, ever.
The guy looks up and smiles. I'm not sure what's going on with his hair. It's like Jane Fonda's from Klute. Flirty banter with Bitchy Tourist commences. Book Guy is reading a mystery thriller. Bitchy gushes that she loooves mystery thrillers and asks him if he's ever read a book called Glory Days. The book guy almost says that, actually, he wrote the book, but he changes his mind and just says that he hasn't read it. "Well, it's the reason I'm here," says Bitchy Tourist. "It makes Glory out to be this really creepy island." It turns out that the book guy is from Glory, and he's going home for the first time in a while. I just have to mention that this conversation is filmed with a shot-reverse-shot technique so dodgy that I'm pretty sure each half of the dialogue must have been shot separately and edited together. So I hate even to refer to this as a "conversation"; it's more like "a montage sequence consisting of people speaking emphatically to themselves." "So, is the town really bizarre, then?" Bitchy Tourist asks nobody in particular. "It's nice and quaint, like any town," says Book Guy, staring, with glazed eyes, off into infinite space. "It's just that Glory has a higher body count." The tourist, cocking her head and seemingly lost in a strange, possibly schizophrenic reverie, blurts, "Well, I love intrigue." Then she waves goodbye to...someone, I guess, and walks off. Book Guy decides to turn and look off into space in a completely different direction.