Over at the police station, more reports of strange happenings come in. Two counts of shoplifting! Fountain urination! Two break-ins! The deputy brings in a kid who keeps exposing himself in school! Okay, that's a little weird, but is he played by Ewan McGregor? No? Then forget it.

Mike and the kid sister, Sam, sit in a booth at the diner. Mike asks Sam whether she thinks their mom will be happy to see him. Sam unleashes torrents of wordy, Williamson-kid-character snottiness: "I'm sorry, are you Mike Dolan? The same Mike Dolan who ran off to New York to write the best-seller Glory Days? You made Mom out to be unbalanced and bipolar." "It was a work of fiction," Mike insists. The waitress comes by and pours more coffee. Mike looks up at the waitress. "Hey, Hazel, how've you been?" Hazel glares at Mike as if to say, "I'm Theresa Fucking Russell! I was the Linda Fiorentino of the early '80s! I was cool! How do you think I am?!" But instead, she just says icily, "Words can't describe, accurately," and walks off. Apparently, she was the murderer in Mike's book. Sam asks Mike why he's come home, and Mike digs out a letter and shows it to her. The letter was postmarked from Glory Island and says only "YOU WERE RIGHT. IT WASN'T AN ACCIDENT. -- DAD." "Mike, Dad's dead," says Sam. "I know, but somebody sent it," replies Mike. Sam points out that Mike's book pissed off a lot of people, and that it could be just a joke. Mike admits that he wants to investigate their dad's death some more.

Back at the police station, Zane the school flasher explains to Sheriff Rudy that he exposed himself to stop rumors that he was a hermaphrodite and "penile challenged." "How would you like it if somebody said you were something you're not, Sheriff?" asks Zane. Sheriff Rudy's face twitches with recognition. "Everyone suffers the embarrassment of an untruth at some point," he says stoically. "Well, you're a bigger man than me," says Zane. Heh, he said "bigger man." Just then, Hazel busts in, because she's Zane's mom. "The school called me!" she yells. "What's this about an overexposed penis?!" She shouts "penis" desperately, as if it could make the show edgier. Hazel's mad as hell and wants Zane to be locked up. "It was just a misunderstanding," explains Sheriff Rudy. "Don't be so hard on him." Heh, he said "hard on him." Yeah. It's come down to this: ten minutes in and I have to make dick jokes. Sorry.