Glory Days
Grim Ferrytale

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Freaks and Ferries

Bing! It's my TiVo again: "What's the deal with these guys?" Um, I don't know. It's only the first episode. "Is Rudy gay, or what?" Look, I don't know! "Dude, he just said Mike had him PEGGED." Oh, GOD, I don't think he meant it like THAT. Anyway, Rudy says that everyone thinks he's gay, and that women won't approach him now, and Mike feels bad, and then Mike confesses that he hasn't written a word since Glory Days, and he lost his book contract and spent all the money he made, and so he and Rudy are even. TiVo's like, "Whatever. So do you want me to start recording all the Queer As Folk and Smallville episodes now? Because I'm TiVo, and I can do that." Let's just wait and see, okay?

Enter Sam and Zane: Zane confesses to Mike and Rudy that he invented the "Grim Reaper" game, but he swears that he never made a "Push someone off the ferry" card, and he was afraid nobody would believe him. Mike and Rudy decide that Barry Bowers must have planted the card and run over to the police station to investigate further. Mike continues to be a pain in the ass. Mike: "Rudy, let me help you interrogate him." Rudy: "No. Stay the hell out of this." Mike: "Okay, but I'm going to help you interrogate him." And so on. They try to get Barry to confess to (a) planting a fake card in the "Grim Reaper" game to give him an excuse for pushing someone off the ferry; (b) playing the game and pulling the fake card; (c) pushing his dad off the ferry; and then (d) crank-calling the coroner's lab so he could (e) break in and shove his dad's body off the morgue slab and pour acid on him in order to destroy the evidence. Barry just stares at them in complete and utter disbelief and says, "Huh?" So do we. Mike and Rudy finally have to believe that Barry didn't do it, because, really, what the fuck else are you going to believe? And then Barry tells Mike that the last time he played "Grim Reaper," he didn't even get to draw a card because one of the teachers confiscated the game and gave it back later. The teacher was Mr. Biggs, who was on the ferry. Remember? No? Well, whatever.

Back at the Gazette office, Sam and Zane are sitting around in the dark, waiting for Sara to come and give them a ride home. Wait, why are they there? Oh yeah, because they went to tell Mike and Rudy about the board game. But how did they know Mike and Rudy were there in the first place? Huh. Good question. And why didn't they just go with them to the police station? Why are they sitting around waiting for something scary to happen? Why don't Sam and Zane just pick up the phone and call the police when they hear somebody break a window? Why does Zane tell Sam to stay put while he goes to see what's going on? Why does Sam not stay the hell put and instead go to look for Zane? Why, in the name of all that is holy, did Kevin Williamson, Lord Emperor of Annoying Self-Reference, decide to do a climactic suspense scene involving THE ONLY TWO KIDS IN AMERICA WHO HAVEN'T SEEN SCREAM?

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Glory Days

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