Glory Days
Miss Fortune Teller

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Mystics and Lipsticks

Opening credits. One of the lyrics in the theme song is "I believe in people crying." Do I ever.

At the police station, Sheriff Rudy is questioning Stan, who is sporting his varsity jacket and a major jock-ass attitude, and says, "So we had a fight. We always fight. Does it prove anything?" Okay, everyone: take out your Checklist of Twin Peaks Tropes and put a mark next to "Bobby Briggs." Mike hovers around Rudy and ekes expository dialogue out of him until we learn that Frosty is the second missing teenage girl this month, and the first girl -- Molly Something -- was thought to have been a runaway, and blah blah blah, and then Mike's nostrils flare excitedly at the whiff of mystery. Frosty's parents show up to identify a coat, purse, and inhaler found on the scene where Frosty was abducted; they say the coat and purse are hers, but the inhaler isn't. Rudy shows the inhaler to Ellie. She holds up the evidence bag: "Albuterol inhaler," she says. And not the generic brand, I have to add. "You think the suspect has asthma?" she asks. And better health insurance than I do? Rudy says they'll look up prescriptions, and Ellie will run a DNA test on the saliva found on the inhaler. Mike just stands around totally pitching a tent in his pants from all the true-crime intrigue.

Miss Creepo rushes into the police station saying she has important information about Frosty. She tries to talk to Frosty's parents, saying that she's been having visions about Frosty! She's been sending them urgent emails for months, but they just thought they were spam! Everyone's like, "Whatever." Mike digs Miss Creepo. Miss Creepo is blatantly foxy, and flounces around wearing all that black lacy gypsy crap that Stevie Nicks got too fat to wear. Mike turns to Rudy. "Maybe she can help with the investigation," says Mike. "Police use psychics, don't they?" Rudy's like, "Oh, please." And Ellie's also like, "Oh, give me a break," except supposedly she's jealous that Mike's paying attention to Miss Creepo, so she says it while doing this whole little pee-pee dance of sexually frustrated indignation.

Mike and Ellie go to visit Miss Creepo at her house. Ellie: "You secretly want Miss Creepo." Mike: "You secretly want me." More sniping, more Sexual Tension Meta-Babble, all the way to the front door. Miss Creepo opens the door wearing something from the Frederick's of Hollywood Goth Trollop collection. "How did you know we were here?" said Mike. "Uh, the window?" says Miss Creepo. Ellie snickers. Then Miss Creepo gives them a Tarot reading and pulls "The Lovers" card, which, according to the TV Tarot Arcana, represents "two characters destined to be together" and "romantic subplot repeatedly shoved down throat." And if you look closely at the card, you'll see Dawson Leery and Joey Potter engraved on it. Ellie explains that she and Mike aren't together. "Oh, that's too bad," says Miss Creepo. "Because you two could have really hot sex together. I see chemistry, passion...it's very erotic." Then Miss Creepo turns over the Falling Anvil card, which represents " lack of subtlety." Mike asks Miss Creepo about her visions of Frosty. "I saw her in the café last night," Miss Creepo explains, "and when I touched her hand, I instantly knew she would be taken." "Easy to say now," mutters Ellie. Mike asks Miss Creepo how long she's been having visions, and she explains that when her father died two years ago, she started having dizzy spells and visions. Ellie rolls her eyes. Miss Creepo tells Ellie that "with a closed heart and a narrow mind, there's not much room for the unexplainable." And then Ellie's all, "Step off, bitch." Mike asks Miss Creepo if she could maybe tap one of those visions about Frosty right now. Miss Creepo says she can't: "The visions tap into me," she explains, and, like, what is she, a pony keg? Then she looks over at Ellie and says she can't work "with so much negativity in the room," and suggests that Miss Creepo and Mike meet another time, "privately." Ellie rolls her eyes. Mike's like, "Wow, I am so hetero." Mike and Ellie leave; out on the sidewalk, they engage in more I-know-you- want-me-but- what-am-I- nyah-nyah bickering.

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Glory Days

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