Glory Days
Miss Fortune Teller

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Wendola: C | Grade It Now!
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Mystics and Lipsticks

Over at the Hash 'n' Whore, Rudy's at the counter getting coffee, and some balding guy in a varsity jacket hands him a flyer and exclaims, "Dunlop! You coming to the big blow-out tonight?" Rudy tells the guy -- who we shall call "Local Loser" -- that he doesn't think Local Loser's annual party is such a good idea, considering all the kidnappings and the concerned parents. Local Loser doesn't care. Since Local Loser is supposed to be the former starting quarterback at Glory High, I wonder why his varsity jacket is different from Stan's. Local Loser sees Mike sitting at one of the booths and says, "Dolan! Is that you, bro? Let me guess...back from New York, crawling with your tail between your legs, right? Life sucks." "Yeah, when you have one," says Mike. Local Loser tells Mike about his party, which he says will be "just like '93, with babes galore," and that there'll be "this hot psychic chick." Ellie sits down at Mike's booth, and Local Loser gawks at her and hands her a flyer. "Party could always use another fox," says Local Loser, and he leaves. Rudy comes over with his coffee, and they briefly discuss the fact that Local Loser lost his high-school girlfriend when he lost his football scholarship. Mike, Rudy, and Ellie sort of wonder whether they're losers, too.

Dolan house. Sam's mad because Mike won't let her go to Local Loser's party with him. Mike insists that she wouldn't be safe there, what with all these girls disappearing. Sam is wearing some really unfortunate Wet Seal Closeout Sale ensemble involving patchwork jeans and a dip-dyed, appliquéd, bedazzled top with a belly-baring cutout kind of thing. Mike tells Sam, "There will be plenty of lame-ass keg parties in your future, I promise." Sam: "Whine whine."

Mike goes to the party. Ellie's there.

Back at the Dolan house, Sara makes popcorn; Mitzi's all gung-ho about mother-daughter bonding and looking at the Firefighters 2002 calendar together; and Sam whines some more. Zane shows up. "We'll be upstairs," Sam says. She and Zane go into the hallway. Mitzi and Sara have apparently gone into some beefcake trance that will last for hours and hours. Zane shows Sam the party flyer. Sam says she can't go. Zane says, "Uh, we're teenagers. When do we ever do what we're supposed to do?" ["Note to Kevin Williamson: only in bad TV dialogue do teenagers refer to themselves as teenagers." -- Wing Chun] Zane is so fucking charming that it makes me feel dirty.

At the party, Mike and Ellie are talking about their high-school days, and how Rudy used to be the fat kid. Ellie is displaying some really alarming cleavage. Miss Creepo comes up and hits on Mike and is all snippy to Ellie. Ellie says, "Read this thought," and then glares at her, which is really pretty funny. Miss Creepo grabs Mike and pulls him out to dance, and Ellie's all horrified, and then Stan hits on Ellie, and she gets horrified some more. Zane and Sam walk in; by now, Stan is hitting on some other girl, and Sam and Zane are all, "ew," because of course his girlfriend Frosty is missing, and Stan and the girl give them the stink-eye. "I'll go get sodas so it'll look like we're drinking," says Zane. Zane's got the right idea! Teen Drinking: Don't Do It. Sam spots Mike across the room and starts ducking so he won't see her and meanwhile Local Loser creeps up behind Sam and starts talking to her. Sam politely tries to brush him off. Sam's got the right idea! Teen Sex With Creepy Older Guys: Don't Do It.

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Glory Days

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