Glory Days
Miss Fortune Teller

Episode Report Card
Wendola: C | Grade It Now!
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Mystics and Lipsticks

Next morning at the Dolan house, Mitzi is doing her best Worried Mom Gone Completely Bugfuck while Rudy makes a report. Mike says, "She was kidnapped, Rudy, just like the psychic predicted," and tells him what Miss Creepo said at the party. Rudy radios the deputy and tells them to bring in Miss Creepo for questioning. Mitzi grabs everyone's lapels and goes apeshit some more.

Sam slowly opens her eyes, wherever she is, and sees some blubbering drag queen hovering over her. Sam screams and jumps up and realizes she's in some basement room, and she leaps over to the door and starts rattling it. Oh, it's not a drag queen; it's Frosty, wearing lipstick in some kind of Candy Apple Camaro Bitchslap Red shade that really doesn't suit her. Sam pounds on the door and screams for help, and Frosty just sits there, like, "Gee, thanks." Sam figures out that nobody's going to open the fucking door. Frosty goes over to the wall, sits down, and starts crying. Then Sam sits down and starts crying. They look at each other and cry some more. Ask me why I lived in the dorms for only one year in college, and I'll show you this scene.

Rudy is questioning Miss Creepo about her visions. "And did you, uh, see who took her?" Rudy asks. Miss Creepo explains that she sees everything from the abductor's point of view. "The abductor feels like he's playing a role," says Miss Creepo. "He's pretending to be something he's not." Rudy isn't buying any of it and asks Miss Creepo if she likes pretending. "I didn't take those girls, if that's what you're thinking," says Miss Creepo. Uh, isn't it kind of her job to know what he's thinking? Miss Creepo consents to a polygraph test. Elsewhere in the police station, the deputy is running a background check and Mike and Ellie are just...I don't know, sitting around or something. The deputy gets off the phone and says that Miss Creepo's last known address was in Portland and she has no police record. Mike thinks there's still more to the story; he says that he has "contacts in Portland," and he'll do some digging. Rudy comes out and says that Miss Creepo passed the polygraph test and that she really thinks she's psychic. Well, give her a goddamn informercial then.

Mike and Rudy go to Local Loser's house. Well, I guess it's Local Loser's parents' house, because Local Loser is really that big a loser. Mike accuses Local Loser of having something to do with Sam's disappearance, and L.L. is all, "Dude, I was just talking to her." Rudy looks over a shelf in the living room and finds a pile of photos. "Hey, that's personal, man!" says Loser. The photos are of Loser's ex-girlfriend, and they're all snapshots of her in her car, taken from a distance. "These are recent," Rudy notes. "Yeah, I run into her from time to time," says Loser. "Looks more like you're stalking her," says Mike. Rudy wants to look around some more, but Loser tells them to get a warrant. Mike starts chapping Loser's ass about being the Golden Boy- turned-pathetic-creep. Loser's like, "Yeah, well, you suck, too," and Mike takes it personally, and tries to punch Loser, and whatever, drama queen, can we get back to looking for your missing kid sister now?

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Glory Days

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