In some godforsaken school auditorium, auditions for the Glory Island Community Theatre production of The Wizard of Oz are taking place. For some reason, practically everyone's decided to show up for the audition in costume. For some reason, everyone just has a complete Dorothy or Tin Man or Wicked Witch of the West costume just, you know, lying around at home. This is either really stupid, ham-handed television, or else it's the wacky antics of a town filled with lovable eccentrics: you decide. Hazel shows up dressed in her Magical Whore of the North costume. Oh wait: that's not a costume. "You can do this," Zane tells her; Zane has tagged along and is way too into this shit. Hazel walks over to the sign-in table manned by Mitzi, Sara, and Sam. "What are you doing here?" asks Mitzi. Hazel hesitantly says she's auditioning for the role of Glinda. "The good witch?" says Mitzi bitchily. Sara asks Hazel what song she's doing, and Mitzi interrupts, muttering: "Does it really matter?" Rowr, ffft, hiss, et cetera. Hazel rolls her eyes and sits down among the Dorothy Dozens. "Was that really necessary?" Sara whispers to Mitzi. "Completely," says Mitzi. Sara and Sam are like, "Aw, Mom, what do you have against the lady who had an affair with Dad before his untimely death? Lighten up already."
Heh. One of the Dorothys is a guy. Why isn't the show about him?
Rudy walks in nervously, with Ellie and Mike at his side. Rudy's here to audition for the musical production of The Wizard of Oz. Okay, I've figured it out. Rudy is not gay: he's meta-gay. Kevin Williamson has achieved a whole new level of self-reference. Rudy is not gay himself; he's the gay in all of us. See, what this whole scene is saying, with all the people in the Dorothy costumes, is that we're all friends of Dorothy, and that, in a way, we're all Dorothy, too. Meanwhile, Robbie's FemDom piano teacher, who is overseeing the auditions, announces that it's Hazel's turn. Hazel steps up to the microphone in the low-cut black velvet slip dress and see-through red cardigan that she ordered from the Town Tramp Shop-at-Home Catalog. Robbie -- who I guess has to play the piano accompaniment for all these auditions -- starts playing, and Hazel launches into a husky, syphilitic-cabaret- singer-in-an- opium-den rendition of "Over the Rainbow." She seems to be under the impression that Judy Garland starred in The Wizard of Oz when she was fifty and messed-up. She's only sung one verse when PianoDom stands up: "Thank you, Hazel! That's enough!" "But...I rehearsed the whole song," says Hazel. PianoDom snippily says that it wasn't necessary. "Uh, you do know that this is a children's show, don't you?" she asks. Yes, Hazel says. "So...there'll be no surprises then, right?" PianoDom says haughtily. Hazel slinks away from the microphone. Sam turns to Mitzi: "Mom, do something!" Mitzi reluctantly starts applauding and the rest of the audience joins in. They're all like, "Let's hear it for the gutsy whore!"