Mike, Rudy, and Ellie are at the Hash 'n' Whore diner. Apparently, Hazel has finally recognized the theme-restaurant potential of the place, and has put up tacky paintings of lounging nude women; now it's like Planet Hollywood, except without the "-llywood." Ellie is telling Rudy that there are no such things as vampires. "I'm telling you guys," says Rudy. "I saw fangs." He's hungover. Heh. "How many drinks did you have?" asks Ellie, continuing, "Obviously, your desire for this woman collided with some subconscious fear. The vampire represents sex and death." Mike complains that his head is throbbing to the rhythm of Ellie's voice. Mike finally understands that all the dialogue on this show is about as subtle as a ball-peen hammer. Ellie asks Mike whether he remembers calling her at 2:00 AM to say that he was quitting his life-sapping job at the Gazette to become a professional dart player. Mike doesn't remember. Ellie announces that Mike and Rudy are having "a classic existential crisis." She goes on: "You're both confronting your own mortality blah blah parts of your life aren't meaningful blah babble blah you have to take a contrary action babble babble blather blah blah bling bah shed meaningless existence bibbety blah blather blah so I'm taking a painting class!" Mike tells Ellie she's sexy when she talks Sartre. Rudy realizes that hell is other people.
Ellie's at the painting class. It's Hazel's idea: she thinks the teacher, who painted all the Les Demoiselles d' Oh-So-Wrong canvases hanging around the diner, is brilliant. "You know, I'm really glad you talked me into this," Ellie tells Hazel, as they paint a male model in tighty-whities. "The only naked men I get to see are in various stages of decay." Yeah, shit happens when you're an existentialist. The teacher walks in. He's creepy. He's dressed like Yanni. He has that horrifying combination of three-day-old beard and Roman haircut and intense stare that really makes you uncomfortable when you see him at a coffeehouse, sitting with his stupid fabric-covered notebook at the table next to yours, and even though you're just trying to figure out where the hell you've seen him before because he's too annoying to forget, you know he's thinking that you want him, and then you remember that, oh, God, he works in the gourmet cheese section at Whole Foods, and so you get up to leave before you have to talk to him, and you hope he doesn't notice you leaving because it's going to make him think that you want him even more, but he does. The art teacher looks exactly like that. He strides right over to Ellie and asks her if she'll pose for him. Ellie laughs nervously and says they've just met. "When I know, I know. I must paint you," he says. Hazel shoots Ellie a go for it! look. Ellie says she's flattered, and she gets flustered, and then her pager goes off so she has to leave. "Tell me you'll consider it," says Vincent Van Goatcheese, following her to the door. "We can start tomorrow." Ellie turns back, like she's actually considering it. "Well...I'll see you again," she says. She blushes and grins like a fucking idiot, then leaves. Van Goatcheese smirks, the way he does when he pauses dramatically while handing you the goddamn hunk of feta you asked for.