Glory Days
The Lost Girls

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Vamps and Tramps

At the dock, Ellie and Rudy and Mike are examining the dead body that turned up in the water. The deputies pull a dark tarp over them while Ellie sprays something on the woman's back. "It's Luminol," Ellie explains. "If there's any blood residue on the clothing, it should fluoresce in the dark." But nothing shows up. "Interesting," says Ellie. The cops pull the tarp up. There's a ton of bystanders pressing up against the police line, including Trampollonia 6. Ellie tells Mike and Rudy that there's evidence of foul play, and the body's been in the water for less than twenty-four hours, but she doesn't know what the cause of death is yet. Rudy finds a wedding ring on the woman's hand, with the inscription "To J., love G." He tells Rudy to check every jeweler in town to find out who had the ring made. Uh, probably the woman's husband? Who has maybe filed a missing-person report? This is some ass-backward police work. Mike tells Rudy, "If I were you, I'd question your fanged friend and her cohorts." He nods in the general direction of Trampollonia 6 and notes that hanging around a crime scene is textbook suspicious behavior. "Gee, Mike, thanks for the tip," says Rudy, annoyed. He turns to look over at the Trampollonias, who were there a moment ago, but now -- they're gone! Vanished! They've TeleTramported away!

Rudy's creeping through the stock-horror Misty Dark Woods With The Distant Hooty-Hoot Sounds toward a house lying just beyond some No Trespassing signs. Mike sneaks up on him: typical boo-eek-ha-ha-very-funny antics ensue. He jokes that Rudy's looking for "his girlfriend." Rudy insists he's looking for suspicious activity. Mike says that if the blond Trampollonia turns out not to be a murderer, Rudy should "go for it." Rudy's not sure. Just then, Blond Trampollonia swings down from above with her trademark "Hhhaaarrghhh!" hiss and dangles upside down in front of them, hair dangling, like Bat Barbie. "Looking for me?" she giggles. I'm still not convinced she's a woman, y'all.

In the house -- which is decorated with five hundred black candles and cobwebs with a certain Pier One Imports flair -- Mike and Rudy meet the Trampire women: The Vampire LeSkank, Drag Queen of the Dammed, and Token Blacula. The Trampires say they're in town working on "a project," but they won't give any details. "I assure you, we're absolutely harmless," says Drag Queen of the Dammed. Rudy nods and turns to leave, but Mike wants to ask them about the whole vampire thing. "What do you have to do to become a vampire?" he asks them. "It's not something you decide after reading the entire works of Anne Rice," sneers The Vampire LeSkank. "We were awakened," says Drag Queen of the Dammed. Token Blacula still never says anything. And, okay, what's with all the Dark Arts chicks on this show wearing hootchie-mama clothes? All the people I've known who are into occult stuff go around wearing lumpy black sweatshirts with airbrushed wolves on them and wear pewter pendants that they bought from the incense cart at the mall. Anyway. Mike humors them and asks them if they're some kind of subset of goth culture. "Metaphysically speaking, we consider ourselves to be immortal," says Drag Queen of the Dammed, sauntering over to Rudy. "One of the benefits being incredible stamina." She practically presses herself against Rudy. Rudy's eyes widen. Somebody's sure glad to see someone else, and we don't think it's Rudy.

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Glory Days

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