Mike returns to his spot on the counter and tells Hazel that he thinks The Vampire LeSkank, a.k.a. Sarah Palmer, had something to do with Jacinda Embry's murder. "Jacinda?" says Hazel. "She was in my art class. I think she was having a thing with the teacher." "Wait, she was married," says Mike. "Like that's never happened before," Hazel snorts. Meanwhile, The Vampire LeSkank stomps out, disgusted, while Zane shouts an apology. Sam comes over. "She's a freak," she says. "You should stay away from her." Zane turns to her, says he doesn't need her "expressed consent" to hang out with LeSkank, and stomps off, too.
Rudy walks into the police station. Deputy Tim informs him that "a very hot woman" is waiting for Rudy in his office. It's Drag Queen of the Dammed, wearing a teeny black camisole and extra-spandex-for -lapdance-action jeans. "We didn't really get a chance to talk at the bar," she tells Rudy. "And when you came over to the house, you were all business." "Ma'am, I'm the sheriff of this town," says Rudy. Draggy of the Dammed invites him out to dinner. "And maybe go back to your place for...a nightcap." She leans over, letting her boobies hang out, and writes down her cell phone number. "You think you're a vampire?" Rudy asks, sort of in disgust. "You're not afraid of me because I'm a vampire, Rudy. You're afraid of me because, deep down, you want me." She gets into his face. "Stop fighting yourself." It's all very...Crying Game.
Mike goes to talk to Vincent Van Goatcheese in his studio; Vincent is distressed to hear that Jacinda's been murdered, and waxes all sensitive about their affair. He says he falls in love with all the women he paints: "It makes sense, of course...not only am I drawn to their beauty, their intelligence, but from some essence that makes them stand out from all the others." Yep: you pretty much have to duck every time you grab some of the smoked gouda or else he'll think you're having one of those moments with him. He says he didn't know Jacinda was married, and that he ended it when he found out. He shows Mike the nudie painting he did of Jacinda. "She was a beautiful woman, and her beauty will never fade." The painting is so fucking garish that it burns psychedelic impressions onto my retinas that will never fade. Mike asks Van Goatcheese if he can look around the studio. Mike walks into the classroom, where students are painting a model reclining on a couch and draped in a red sheet, and, we totally guessed this: it's Ellie. "Mike! What are you doing here?" she gasps, grabbing a pillow to cover her not-even-exposed chest. Mike gawks. Just then, The Grief-Stricken Dr. Embry runs in, calling Vincent Van Goatcheese an S.O.B. "You killed my wife!" he yells, and hits him. Mike tries to pull Dr. E. away, and gets hit, too. Then Mike punches Dr. E. out, for no good reason. "Somebody call the sheriff," says Mike. Ellie just sits there, like, "Ooh! So exciting! And I'm naked!"