Gazette office. Sara walks in. "How's Mom?" Mike asks. "Fine, She's a tool, that one," says Sara, who probably isn't thinking of the term "tool" the same way I am. She asks Mike how he's coming on the story about the Generic family. Mike says he's found out they're from Portland, and they're "perfect:" dad's an engineer, mom's a broker, and Conrad is a football quarterback. "That's odd," says Sara. "Sam told me he was home-schooled." Sara shrugs off the discrepancy and says that the home-schooling thing is an interesting angle; she tells Mike to look up Conrad in the "web database." Mike turns to his computer and boots up a weird browser, IntriguingClueScape 5.0 or whatever, which comes up with all sorts of really fucking unlikely information about Conrad, including his last place of employment at "Levy's Drugs." Mike calls up the pharmacy and pretends to be a prospective employer looking for a reference. "What can you tell me about him?...Really?...Can you tell me the reason why he was terminated?...I see. Can I speak with Mr. Levy?" The Violins of Unsettling Disclosure start keening as Mike listens to the person on the other end. "Well, can you tell me how long Mr. Levy's been missing?" Missing! Hmmmm! Which is to say: whatever.
Dolan house: Mike comes home to find the welcome party for the Generics is in full swing, complete with a banner that says, "Glory Island Welcomes The Jarretts," which is really a little much, but anyway. Mr. and Mrs. Generic are warmly thanking Mitzi for throwing the party: they seem like a normal, happy couple, except Mrs. Generic's hair has this sort of neurotic pouf perched on top of her head keeping her from looking like complete hell. Elsewhere, Zane approaches Conrad. "Hey, I forgot to get my pocket knife back from you yesterday," he says. "Are you sure?" asks Conrad. "Uh...yeah," says Zane. Conrad keeps staring at him like he doesn't know what Zane is talking about. Mr. Generic comes up: "What's that?" Conrad shrugs. "Um...nothing," says Zane, who walks off, confused. Meanwhile, Mrs. Generic is sitting on the couch, looking sort of weirded-out; her hair teeters precariously. "You look tired," says Mitzi. Just then, Mr. Generic is back at her side, and Mrs. Generic stammers that she's fine and thanks Mitzi again for throwing the party. More compulsory chuckling all around. Mike remarks to Sam that Mr. Generic seems so attentive to his family, going back and forth between them like a game of dodgeball. Sam gets all snippy and judgmental and says that Mike's being snippy and judgmental, and then goes to flirt with Conrad. After exactly two seconds of small talk, Conrad asks, "Can I see upstairs?" Sam gets sort of giggly, and Conrad explains that he'd just like to get away from all these people for a couple of minutes. They head for the stairs, and Mr. Generic comes up and asks them where they're going. Sam blushes and says they won't be long. "Can I trust you with a pretty girl?" he asks Conrad. "Yes...come on, Dad." "All right," says Mr. Generic, "but I'm timing you two." Conrad's what, sixteen? Uh, yeah, they won't take long at all.