Metal-Detector Guy is wandering around in the woods right by Buried-Alive Guy's pipes. He puts aside his metal detector and snoops around the gravesite, and Buried-Alive Guy starts screaming, "Hey! Hey Metal-Detector Guy! I'm down here! I'm up to my ass in old coins! And watch fobs! It's like the fucking Antiques Roadshow down here!" Okay, really he's just all like, "Help, please, oh God," yada yada. Just as Metal-Detector Guy figures out what's going on, someone else has snuck up; Metal-Detector Guy gets the shit killed out of him with his own metal detector.
Okay, best moment in the whole series: Mitzi is jogging in the woods listening to the soundtrack to South Pacific (Hey! I recapped that! Shout-out?) when she trips on Metal-Detector Guy's dead hand, falls way the hell over, and sees him. The song "Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair" keeps right on playing while Mitzi screams at the dead guy. But you know, it's one of those timeless musicals.
At the police station, Sara and Mike look on while Mitzi tells Sheriff Rudy about how horrible it was to see dead Metal-Detector Guy. "His eyes were frozen in horror!" she says. "Makes you think about everything...your family, what's really important." Everyone nods contemplatively. Then Mitzi gets over it and remembers she has a party to throw, and she and Sara leave. Mike leaps up and asks Rudy if it's "a 187," and does his usual pee-pee dance of murder mystery excitement. Rudy insists that Metal-Detector Guy just tripped and fell; it looked like an accident. Mike keeps flailing around, making the all-important "face frozen in horror" point until Rudy tells him he has work to do. Mike leaves Rudy's office, sulking.
Let's check in with Buried-Alive Guy! Hmm, still the same old screaming.
Zane and Hazel are at work at the Hash 'n' Whore; the usual warm-fuzzy-creepy mother-son bond between them isn't so prevalent today. Sam comes in and wants Zane to come hang out, but Hazel says Zane is grounded for doing something "involving the internet and a long-distance phone bill." Sam whines that she's bored, and says that Zane should've thought twice before he did something like that. "Try Boy Wonder next door," says Zane. "His heart seemed to bleed for you." Sam whines that Zane is being all jealous and stupid. Zane bitterly tells Sam that if she sees Conrad, she should tell him he wants his pocket knife back.
Police station. Ellie comes into Rudy's office with the news that Metal-Detector Guy's death appears to have been a murder: "He didn't hit the metal detector; the metal detector hit him," and moreover the body appears to have been moved. Rudy is annoyed, because it means Mike is right, and he really hates it when Mike is right. "I'm sick of him butting into police matters that he has no business butting into." Rudy! He heard me! Shouting at the TV all these weeks! Ellie tries to defend Mike, sort of, saying that he's a reporter, and anyway it's part of his charm; Rudy counters that, no, he's just Mike. "And I'm sick of him using our friendship -- yours and mine -- to cross professional boundaries." People, this dialogue is the stuff of my fantasies. Rudy tells Ellie that they should stop letting Mike be such a pain in the ass. Ellie agrees heartily. Then Rudy takes off his shirt and turns to me. "I hear you give great backrubs," he says, handing me a bottle of lotion. Ellie opens up her purse and hands me twelve hundred dollars: "Here you go, honey -- why don't you buy that iMac you've wanted for so long?" Kevin Williamson walks in. "I've decided to stop writing for TV and I'm joining a cult," he says. Two of my ex-boyfriends appear at the door. "Hey, you look great!" they say. "Oh, and we're unemployed and our dicks have fallen off." Wow. What a great scene.