Welcome, all, to our annual blow-by-blow of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association's awards show! Zach Oat will be starting things off, but he'll be switching with Mindy Monez throughout the night. And now that the painfully awkward red carpet segment is finished, let the painfully awkward rest of the evening begin! Dead air and blatant teleprompting for everybody!
8:00 - ...Aaaand the beer is waiting for Ricky Gervais. Excellent.
8:02 - No, he's right, the characters in The Tourist are two-dimensional. I believe celebrity sucking-up and/or bribes were involved.
8:04 - Aren't we past Tom Cruise jokes at this point? And jokes about how old the Sex and the City girls and Hugh Hefner are? Answer: no. No we're not.
8:07 - Best Supporting Actor Christian Bale looks like a mountain man. Sorry, other guys, he totally deserved it for The Fighter. One of the year's best performances, period. As for his acceptance speech... let's just say we haven't heard him ramble this much since someone tried to adjust a light on the set of Terminator: Salvation.
8:09 - Ladies love cool hats.
8:10 - YEESSSSSS! Katey Sagal finally gets Best Supporting Actress for TV! If Piper Perabo had won this one, I would have torn up the joint. By which I mean my living room.
8:16 - Does anyone else find the whole Miss Golden Globe tradition creepy? "Thank you for the awards, here is one of our daughters for you to look at." SNL had the right idea this weekend: Chaz Bono for Miss/Mr. Golden Globe.
8:18 - Carlos gets Best Mini-series! Temple Grandin bought a new Western-styled shirt for nothing. Looking forward to Fox News freaking out over its glorification of a terrorist.
8:21 - "Ashton Kutcher's dad, Bruce Willis." Awesome. And Hudson Hawk is a classic. Still can't believe a fun action film like Red is nominated for an award.
8:23 - All right, Chris Colfer! Best part of Glee, possibly including Jane Lynch. Hey, does an award mean less when it's given to you by the co-stars of Country Strong?
8:30 - Hey guys, it's Mindy. Can you believe Piper Perabo lost? Just kidding! Woo!
8:31 - Michelle Pfeiffer is still ridiculously hot, but in, like, a soaking wet cat kind of way. A rich one, but still.
8:32 - Eva Longoria just slipped a little bit! Sorry, but it's HFPA suit guy time now, so that's the most entertaining thing we're going to get for a few minutes.