9:00 - I guess he's here to introduce Lincoln. Who will introduce Clinton at the 2090 AVN Awards?
9:01 - Evidence that Amy is Leslie Knope: "That was Hillary Clinton's husband!!!"
9:02 - Who will take off their pants first? Will Ferrell or Lena Dunham? I've got $20 riding on this.
9:03 - Ferrell and Kristen Wiig's bit about no one seeing the movies that the Best Actress in a Comedy or Musical Movie were nominated for would be a lot better if it was 29 minutes shorter and not exactly like that annoying Saturday Night Live sketch. We are all stoic Tommy Lee Jones tonight.
9:06 - Jennifer Lawrence makes a joke about beating Meryl Streep. Kids these days. Suck it, President Snow.
9:12 - Pregnant Kristen Bell is adorable. Here's hoping Schmidt wins Best Supporting TV Actor so we can watch him rub her belly... and nope, it's Ed Harris for Game Change, duh.
9:14 - If you HAD to choose, would you rather touch Megan Fox's thumbs or Jonah Hill's stretch marks?
9:15 - Anne Hathaway wins Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture. I'm going to start crying allllll over again.
9:17 - How long are these acceptance speeches? Suddenly a guillotine doesn't sound so bad.
9:23 - Best Screenplay goes to Quentin Tarantino. I think I heard his jaw snap while he gave that celebratory kiss.
9:25 - Bizarre speech, but at least Tarantino didn't do it in Wu Wear, I guess.
9:27 - I know I'm supposed to be excited about the Best Actor in a TV Comedy, but Lucy Liu's dress is too hypnotizing for me to think. Just how many Crazy 88's is she hiding underneath that thing?
9:28 - Why did we just see two angles of Salma Hayek when Don Cheadle was announced the winner? Do I smell a scandal?
9:33 - Sorry, I'm not even going to try to understand what Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger are saying. I know that's the joke with having them present Best Foreign Language Film, but still.
9:35 - Amour wins. I wish Seth MacFarlane was here to say something about Hitler, said no one ever.
9:36 - I dream to be one day told by my award-winning director, "You did the film." What an honor!
9:36 - Lea Michele's spray tan, presented without comment.
9:37 - And Homeland gets another trophy, this time in the form of Claire Danes getting Best Actress - TV Series - Drama. I kind of wish I didn't love her so much, but my instinct is to be disappointed that this show is the new Modern Family in terms of award hogging.