9:45 - Sacha Baron Cohen: Andy Kaufman, you are not.
9:46 - Best Animated Feature Film goes to... Brave. Must... resist... urge... to... wreck it.
9:47 - Why do I get the feeling Brave's Mark Andrews is preparing to do a piledriver after this?
9:50 - Aziz Ansari "pretending" to be high on Downton Abbey biscuits is a fine cover.
9:51 - Oh my gosh, Tina and Amy need to be on stage more, though if I was on George Clooney's lap, I wouldn't want to leave, either.
9:52 - Whoa, surprise win with Lena Dunham for Best Actress - TV Comedy or Musical. All of the moms in the audience are confused, horrified and maybe a little bit secretly turned on.
9:58 - "Congratulations, Lena. I'm glad we got you through middle school." Tina Fey is really just fantastic as a bitter drunk.
9:59 - Is Robert Downey Jr. wearing space boots and a bathrobe as he talks about Jodie Foster?
10:01 - Impressed that Mel Gibson got three seconds of screen time and it wasn't for saying something horrible about my religion.
10:05 - Okay, that's enough Jodie Foster being a cool mom. Now I want to watch a reel of just Diddy and Jon Hamm boredly clapping.
10:07 - Oh my gosh, she's coming out! Go Jodie!
10:07 - My sound just cut out! The censors don't want us to know that Jodie Foster is a lesbian! This declaration kind of makes up for this really long-winded and confusing speech, almost.
10:09 - #THELOOKONMELGIBSONSFACE
10:11 - Everyone is crying in the audience and now I feel like an alien. She's talking about dog whistles? Did I eat one of those Downton Abbey pot cookies or take one of Tarantino's lines?
10:17 - Oookay, we're back. Halle Berry tells us Ben Affleck just won Best Director for Argo. If he doesn't come out right now or at least cheer on the New England Patriots, this night officially sucks.
10:20 - How is every presenter not like, "Holy shit, did you guys just hear that Jodie Foster speech like, two minutes ago?"
10:21 - Holy cow, Girls wins Best TV Comedy! Tonight, we're all dumb whores!
10:23 - Fun to think about every person in the audience who just listened to Robyn's hipster anthem "Dancing on My Own." Victor Garber looks like he's going to be sick.
10:31 - Jennifer Garner is wife of the year for doing a few final thank you's for her husband before announcing Best Actor - Motion Picture Comedy or Musical. I just wish they would show J Lo once while Ben Affleck was being celebrated.