Good as Gold
They're presenting the Best Director award. Danny Boyle, The Reader guy, David Fincher, Ron Howard and Sam Mendes. Anybody's game, but I say Boyle and Fincher split the votes and Howard takes it. Oh wow! Danny Boyle won! That's fantastic. He combed his hair with an eggbeater though.
10:16: Ooh, Sigourney Weaver. Her voice is like a bottle of red and a handful of Tylenol PMs. I mean that as a compliment. It's comforting. She's introducing Revolutionary Road, AKA I liked it the first time I saw it, when it was called Mad Men. We get it, Hollywood: suburban life is hell. Memo received.
10:18: Sandra Bullock is here now presenting the award for Best Actor in a Motion Picture -- Musical or Comedy, and have you guys seen that All About Steve trailer? Oh my god, it looks like the worst movie ever. Worse than He's Just Not That Into You even. And nothing's worse than He's Just Not That Into You. It's literally Gigli. Poor Bradley Cooper. Anyway, the nominees are: Javier Bardem, Colin Farrell, Brendan Gleeson, James Franco and Dustin Hoffman. And hell yes! Colin Farrell won for In Bruges! I'm serious, everybody, you have to see this movie. Haha, those earrings! I mean, THOSE EARRINGS! Unacceptable. Especially when paired with that hair. Commercials.
10:26: The always stunning Salma Hayek and her cleavage have taken the stage. She's talking about Vicky Cristina Barcelona, but I think we'd all rather stay on Salma's cleavage. Unfortunately we have to watch a VCB clip instead.
10:28 Borat! Acting all serious as he discusses Benjamin Button. Why does Angie Jo have sexing hair? Baby #7 y'all. And ... his Madonna swipe falls flat. Further proof that non-Euros have no sense of humor. In any event, he's here to announce Best Motion Picture Musical or Comedy ....
10:30 The winner is Vicky Cristina Barcelona! Why the flip isn't Woody there? Who is this broad accepting the award?
10:32 Angie Jo is saluting someone off camera ... Looks like she's ducking out to go make out with Pornstache Pitt. Give it a rest lady.
10:36 Bollywood Bonanza! Frida Pinto is the prettiest woman alive. She and Bollywood star Somebody Someoneson are announcing Slumdog Millionaire.
10:37 Cameron Diaz and Say Hi To Your Mother Walhberg are here to present Best Actress in a Motion Picture.