"I'm not going to lie," Ivva says -- is this a writer tic or not, because that's a common phrase but considering she's the only woman in his life besides Lily, it's interesting -- "It was hard to hear the things you've done. But I've seen the man you can be, and I choose to believe in that man." He kisses her, delighted; he brings her back, into the whirl, to introduce her to his family.

Lily. You'll recognize her by her inability to judge, having fallen so far and risen so high in her life. Rufus, he's the pretty one that exists only to prove his capacity for love. Eric, he's terrified of sex, and desperate to save the world. Serena, she should be wearing a medal for every time she's let a loved one hurt her, just to keep the peace. Blair's the one who would kill to keep us safe from every single intruder. My family.

Juliet's doing giftbags -- "Don't get into a fight at a party you helped organize" -- when Nate finds her. She "admits" that she dissed Serena as Keymaster because it suddenly hit her that, if S were a member, she'd be around like all the time. Nate's ex. Nate notes that this is sort of an intense betrayal for somebody that won't even date him, and all of a sudden she realizes that now she has to date him. Boo-hoo, villain. Nate Archibald is totally into you and you have to date him. They totally kiss and Blair, watching with Serena, gets her unfortunate wordplay on: "Once men have tasted caviar, it baffles me how they settle for catfish."

As gross as "catfish" is, I just wanna know which one of them tastes like caviar. Which doesn't taste great. Serena and Blair hold hands and run off, while in Brooklyn even bigger lesbians Dan and Vanessa have a meeting about their lives. Vanessa wants to know if they're still moving in together -- her sister's ubiquitous van parked downstairs, and all -- but couches it more as, "So without a baby am I still relevant, or should I go back to Haiti?" He hugs her sweetly and asks her to move in, so it'll be like they have a baby but with no baby, and it's so super gross but also totally right.