It's been two weeks since Georgina left the UES ... and went to Brooklyn, and was immediately adopted by Vanessa and Dan as her only friends. "Sarah" seems open to meeting Serena, but scheduling is a nightmare. The mysterious packages start up again, including a sex tape from the wedding that sent Serena running off in the first place, and eventually it's G, and not Sarah, that Serena has to deal with some more.
Blair and Jenny are using Gossip Girl to trash each other, which is fine until Dan spots Jenny's boyfriend Asher making out with a dude. Jenny tears him a new asshole for mentioning this, so he puts it on Gossip Girl instead -- but because the signal/noise ratio of Gossip Girl has gotten so lousy, it falls to Blair to actually make the accusation stick. This leads to some fairly offensive chatter from the Bitches, including Nelly Yuki who is now in. The chatter doesn't really matter, because the other fellow? Eric van der Woodsen.
Jenny asks Asher if she's really -- as Blair calls her -- "the new Katie Holmes," and he says she totally is, because she's too sucky for anybody to actually date, so she might as well use him the same way he's using her: to be popular. This is Jenny we're talking about, so her eyes bug out of her face and then she okays it, up to and including letting Gossip Girl tell everybody he swiped her V card.
In Lily news, Rufus randomly -- and adorably -- accompanies her on a day of wedding shopping, and they discuss not being shitty parents and what that might be like. Lily is put to the test -- when Georgina totally outs Eric at dinner with all three blonde van der Woodsens -- and receives a solid "C," but makes up for it later when Rufus gives her permission to feel okay about herself, as Humphreys often do, and she and Eric work it out. It's messy and sad and scary, but honesty wins the day.
Unseen Chuck gets a total "A," though, as he spends the episode worrying about Serena, and to whom Eric proceeds directly for comfort and therapy when things get bad.
Blair must decide whether or not to out Asher and destroy Jenny, but once she finds out Eric is the mystery boy, she decides it's worth saving Jenny as part of the bargain, and crashes a Jenny/Asher party wearing an awesome outfit. Eric beats her to the punch, upstaging everybody with his own outstanding gayness, so once again Blair wins without even really trying, and Jenny gets into total trouble with the Bitches for lying about sex, so she finally concedes the war, and goes home to make things up with Rufus.
Serena goes to Brooklyn to finally meet "Sarah," who threatens to show Dan and Vanessa the sex tape unless Serena loves her again. And now that Dan's involved, Serena has no choice but to play along. She tells Dan she doesn't trust Sarah, and Dan thinks it's all jealousy, and before you know it the cracks are showing big-time in both New Serena and her perfect relationship. All a mess, she runs to Blair, who finally gets her to spill her deep dark shit: Serena killed somebody!
First of all, can I show you something totally awesome?
I know, right? And that song, which the site calls "Lily's Theme," sounds like Lily for sure, but it seems mostly to play when B's doing her headband/Mary Janes chic powerplays. So I don't know, but right now it's playing, and there's two sets of Bitch feet tromping up the steps at MOMA from two different directions (it's interesting to see how the Army breaks down while both B and Little J are power-players): Blair, Iz and Nelly Yuki from one direction, and then Jenny from the other, leading Penelope, Hazel, and unfortunate little Elise.
"Spotted: Jenny Humphrey wading in the Met fountain, fishing for change... Blair Waldorf, seen dallying with an off-duty doorman at the Blarney Stone on a Monday night..." The two groups face off, and then all flounce down at once. "It looks like the battle between the Queen B and Little J has moved from the streets to the blogs. Who's sending this debasing dish? I have a feeling..."
Blair flips a dime into Jenny's lap for her collection, and Jenny asks why she's noshing on fruit cup: "Lost your taste for yogurt?" All the Bitches laugh, because this is their version of Celebrity Poker Showdown and they get to watch it every day. Blair turns to Penelope, the memory of dairy in her hair just a tad too close, and asks what's up tonight. "Asher's parents are in Cannes, so he and Jenny are throwing a party at his house." Jenny cuts her a glance: "It's a really small get-together with just our closest friends. Sorry, Blair." I'm not saying I want every episode to be forty-two minutes of half-clever, obvious bitchy barbs, but: isn't this fun?
Nelly Yuki offers Blair her invite -- or evite, as we'll sadly soon learn -- and Jenny snots, "Invitations are nontransferable?" And even though Nelly Yuki is now B's sergeant (I like to think it's in recompense for the SAT thing last week, which makes a certain Blair Waldorf demented sense), Jenny has the balls to breezily inform B that Nelly Yuki's "new to the group." Blair rolls her eyes and, cornered, growls that just because her name's on the invite, it doesn't mean she's a hostess. And the thing about Blair is that she capitalizes that word, "Hostess," and all the breeding and preparation and glory that it means, pride in home, the particularly Blairlike fame that attaches to the craft of partygiving, how we treat our guests: all that stuff that -- before feminism and Martha Stewart -- was shitty and only for girls, and is now completely awesome. And the thing about Jenny is that she has no concept of any of these things. She knows what Blair's saying, but she doesn't get the actual visceral meaning of it. Luckily, her phone rings.