"Is that why we went to third?" Elise, who may or may not even know what that means, is all agape: "You went to third?" And Jenny's answer, my God: "No? He did." Hazel approves -- "Well done. Make him work for it."

(And Jesus, so do I. Of all the trends and decadence this show is supposedly spreading among the teens of this universe, my goodness, let that one stick. I firmly believe that at least seventy-five percent of the ills in this world link back to hatred and fear of the female body and sexuality, men and women both. Even though that bullshit starts in the cradle, it only gets hardwired in high school, so what better way to retrain teenage boys to respect the female body, than with that kind of positive reinforcement? If the infinite blowjobs of high school were replaced with infinite cunnilingus, I think the result would be Tina Fey automatically becoming our next President. Like within a week of the new rule, this would happen. Read Lysistrata! Tell your friends! Girls of the world, it is cool! Start demanding your right to oral sex, it is awesome!)

Blair hits Waldorf House with Nelly Yuki and Isabel, arms full of shopping bags. "Whoever said that money doesn't buy happiness didn't know where to shop. Lucky for me, I may have to go out tonight after all." (Lucky for me.) They all drop onto her bed, and Iz produces Asher Hornsby's cell phone. (Lucky for you.) "Lucky for you," Nelly Yuki exposits, "Iz knows five ways to sneak into the Unity boys' locker room, and six to sneak out." (Was it Isabel that had the magical stealth powers before? The pool party episode, maybe. I hope so, I love the idea that the things Isabel brings to the group are "concert pianist" and "cat burglar.") Blair clicks around the phone as Iz notes that Asher takes abnormally long showers after practice, and Blair crinkles her nose while Nelly Yuki unnecessarily translates that what Iz means is, "maybe his lacrosse stick isn't the only thing he likes to play with," and what Nelly Yuki means is that sometimes teenage boys masturbate. Got that? It's pretty subtle. Isabel wonders why B even wanted his stupid gay phone in the first place, and Blair portentously intones, "It was once said that a person's eyes are the windows to their soul. That was before people had cell phones." While Blair busily and crazily downloads all of his emails into her laptop with a wildly destructive grin, Nelly Yuki and Iz stare at each other and wonder what the hell that meant, what she's up to in actuality, and why she suddenly thinks she's Gossip Girl.