Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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When You Were A Fever

"Oh! Then why is the party planner calling me? Excuse me, girls." She goes off to take the call while the Bitches squeal and gossip and OMG about Asher, and a few steps away, Jenny reveals that she is once again being awesome at lying: "Hey, Dad? I'm kinda busy. What's up?"

But the sad thing is, Rufus is reading the evite on her laptop, having opened her email, which means every conversation they have is a lie, so he gets into this trap of asking her to lie to him, and she obliges, and he gets sadder and madder, but he keeps doing it, because he is in way over his head, as usual. "I was just wondering what time you want me to serve your favorite home-cooked meal tonight. Maybe around eight?" Just laying it on. Jenny reminds him of "that choir thing," and how she's been good enough that he let her go. But Rufus is not letting anything go right now. "Oh, right. Well, maybe we could wait to eat till after you got home, then. You're gonna be hungry after all that singing..." Strrrretch! "Yeah well, I mean, they have food there, and it's probably gonna go pretty late. So, um... tomorrow? 'Kay, love you." She hangs up without a reply, and Rufus is sad, all, "Love you too, even though you have broken your father's heart." But I mean, he's an asshole for setting up imaginary tests and then letting her fail them. That is terrible parenting, because it's inconsistent, and she's a kid: she needs it on the table.

"Unless you stop lying and being a horrid little asshole, you are leaving Constance Billard and heading to George Westinghouse, where you will be jumped and forced into a gang. Eventually you will succumb to crack use and die in a hail of bullets. And allllll that money I'll be saving will go directly toward my Three Stooges DVD collection. Do you copy."

Jenny flits back to the girls, pleading a "floral emergency" but updating them that the entire Unity Lacrosse Team RSVP'd. Always-horny Penelope is like, "Hell yes!" Blair's car rolls up and Jenny squeals and drags her set of Bitches over to say hi. Blair stares bleakly. "How did little Jenny Humphrey become the next Brooke Astor?" (Like things went so well for that grand lady.) Iz: "The same way they all do," and Nelly Yuki continues darkly, "Marry up." There's lots of giggling, and Blair goes nuts on her fruit cup, staring holes in Jenny's cute yellow outfit.

Leaving the Palace for school, Serena asks why Eric's got the long face. The reason he has the long face (SPOILER ALERT!) is that he's going to have to have a serious talk in a little bit with the person he's dating, and he already knows the person he's dating is going to talk him down, and talk him back into keeping their secrets, and he knows he's going to do it, even though all he wants -- just like his sister -- is to be honest all the time. Love makes you do the wacky. "Still sad Mom wouldn't let you go to Monte Carlo for the bachelor party?" Eric says he's cool about that; Bart and Chuck and Prince Albert can have their fun. "Oh, that didn't come out like I meant it..." They laugh, and his phone dings. "Um... Gossip Girl ... Looks like ... Jenny's been spotted at Gap sewing Stella McCartney labels into pocket tees." Is there anything better than up-market T-shirts? That is the soul of America, the $100 T-shirt, that right there.

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Gossip Girl

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