Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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When You Were A Fever

Serena's like, "Okay, now the GG rumors are getting stupid," and Eric's like, "Such as the one where I'm Gossip Girl?" Serena laughs and ribs him that at least it made sense at the time. Then her phone rings, and Eric runs off to his meeting and says to tell Chuck hello.

"Salut, Chuck. Yes, I'm still fine. I haven't heard from Georgina in two weeks, so, if you'd stop calling me, I'd finally be rid of all of my monsters. Bye." The meaner the stuff she says to him, the more love is behind it. How great is it that even when he's not actually in the episode, they still manage to make him awesome over the phone? I love that Serena is all, "Thank you so much for being such a caring friend, you are a fucker, leave me alone, I love you."

Vanessa leans over the counter and tells "Sarah" to stop reading her NYC guidebook and start living. Which is just ... so Vanessa, because it has nothing to do with Sarah and everything to do with how authentic Vanessa is. Sarah complains about getting lost on the train every day, and Vanessa corrects her: "Subway." (Which is totally, and hilariously, about how authentically pretentious and stupid Vanessa is.) "Click those heels all you want, you're not in Portland anymore." Sarah thanks her and Dan for condescendingly-yet-sweetly adopting her: "I'd be a mess without you guys! Well, more of a mess than I already am." Not possible, nutsack, although congrats on spending the last two weeks lying low with the two hugest losers in all of Brooklyn without snapping.

Dan comes in all crazed and hurried, wearing his school tie, and Vanessa offers him a red-eye (the caffeine obsession begins!), but I don't know what's up his ass. School starts in like four hours, and he has first period free anyway, so maybe he's in a hurry to meet up with Serena, who's had trouble scheduling him, and frankly I don't know what's up my ass either because why am I even trying, but so anyway he thanks V for the coffee and apologizes to Sarah and V both for yakking their ears off last night. "He tends to ramble, as you'll get to know," mentions V (which again: obvious, and more about marking your territory than actually adding anything substantive to the conversation, but Dan did the same thing with Nate awhile back, so whatever), and he nods: he rambles. It's like the one cute thing about him. Besides the other cute things about him, I suppose.

Sarah puts a sweet 'n creepy hand on his arm and assures them both that she's a great listener, "as he'll get to know." And I love it, it's so true, because she wants all the information, because she is crazy soup: not just stuff for the S agenda, but anything at all. She wants B's shit, she wants Little J's shit, she wants it all. You never know what will come in handy when you are the Devil Herself. "Any new developments?" No, Jenny and her boyfriend are still inseparable, and Jenny has spent two weeks becoming quote "even more insufferable." Vanessa begs him to give her a break, like we all are: "Asher's her first love!" Dan corrects that it's "infatuation," not love, which is pretty much not his call, and Sarah works both sides of the equation, gesturing toward her friend Vanessa and accreting sisterhood girl power: "Yeah, but to a 15-year-old girl, I mean, there really isn't a difference." Vanessa nods at her for the assist, and Dan concedes the point. Except the biggest current or past 15-year-old girl in the room is, of course, eternally Dan, so maybe he shouldn't give up so easily.

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Gossip Girl

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