Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
When You Were A Fever

Dan arrives in the Unity courtyard, finds Asher grabassing around with his lacrosse buddies, and asks for a minute. Since it's now noon, Asher says he can only spend a minute: "Jenny and I have a lunch date." There's no easy way to say it. "Look, there's no easy way to say this, honestly, so I'm just gonna... I'm just gonna say it. I... I, uh, saw you this morning," he stammers, totally uncomfortable. "Saw me what?" asks Asher. ("This morning!") "I saw you ... You know, I ... Saw you kissing that guy." Asher denies, of course, but Dan's fairly certain that striking profile is one of a kind. "Are you calling me queer?"

Dan is, of course, horrified: "That's... Not at all what I said." But we're in the shit now, so Asher gets in his face. He has to act, throw knives at it like Blair, say the worst thing to stop the words coming out of Dan's mouth: "You wanna know how queer I am? I'm so queer, I'm gonna pop your sister's cherry tonight." It's funny in a way that has nothing to do with the actual sexuality of the actors, but anytime anybody says the words out loud in this episode -- even Eric, who is a total fucking champ -- there's this weird little actory hitch in the throat, like it's too big of a thing to say out loud about anybody, especially their own characters, in front of the crew and the other actors. Super uncomfortable and super, super real, like to the point of being hard to look at, so it works in the story, but it's still funny, watching actors work. Anyway, you know what's totally queer? Saying you're going to pop somebody's cherry. Kissin' dudes or not, that is queer as hell.

Dan grabs him and begins to throttle him, and Jenny appears out of nowhere and starts yelling at Dan, because she has a vested interest in having no idea how queer her boyfriend is. ("Would you like us to assign someone to butter your muffin?" Heh.) "Jenny, I need to talk to you in private." She snots -- and remember this line for later -- that Dan can bloody well say it in front of her big gay boyfriend. "Really? Okay. All right, fine. Your boyfriend is not being honest with you." Asher slides into it and explains to her that he was planning on taking her to the country house this weekend, which charms her, but that Dan thought they were moving too fast, and got upset, which turns her back into Demon Jenny. "Dan! Can't you just let me be happy for once?" Um, can you let yourself? No? "Jenny, I want you to be happy. Just not with a guy who..." Jenny stops that one dead in its tracks too (almost like she knows what's coming, wouldn't you say?) with a Blair-magnitude rapid-fire takedown: "Yeah, I understand that you're threatened by him, because clearly he's everything you wanna be: He's good-looking, and worldly, a legacy at Dartmouth? But even you should know that jealousy clashes with LL Bean pants." She grabs Asher and drags him off by the hand. Dan is, of course, flummoxed.

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Gossip Girl




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