EMPIRE

Dan and Chuck get good and stoned, eat a bunch of sandwiches, and watch The Matrix. It is not gay, they reason, if you don't look the person in the eye. Dan, stoned and annoying as only a stoned Dan could be, won't fucking quit about how he wishes he were at this bridal shower. Finally Chuck orders them up two whores, tells Dan to be a Man of Action, and goes off to set up the video camera. It is about to be so fucking awesome.

Except for how Dan.

SHOPPING

Blair tries to make her Bitches tell her details about the party, but Serena has instructed them -- because she has never met Blair, apparently -- to keep quiet about them. In fact, they begin dropping hints, like how it was an eVite and the dress code is jeans and they are going to have Greek food from a truck. Just the most blatant obvious lies. And so off-center is this ludicrous business that Blair says -- much in the same fashion, Blair is this season, as the gay men for whom the Sex and the City ladies are theoretical stand-ins -- "If you'll excuse me, I've gotta go kill myself... Or max out my credit card, whichever comes first."

As truly as tights are not pants, Blair Waldorf is not Blair Warner, and the teens are not the nineties. The day Blair Waldorf says "max out my credit card" is the day I realize we have no business even pretending to understand this show anymore.

WALDORF/VDW

Nate: "Hey, where's your laptop?"
Serena: "No idea whatsoever. What's up?"
Nate: "I hacked into Gossip Girl, which apparently we could have done at any time."
Serena, awesomely: "Holy fuck. I have sent her so many emails!"
Nate: "Yeah, so we're going to expose all of her sources and then she'll die on the vine and make The Spectator [verbatim, straight-faced, he says this] New York's foremost scandal site."
Serena: "Yeah, and fuck me over and everybody else we know. Bad plan, bro."
Nate: "Or is it a great plan?"
Serena: "No, it is a bad plan. Do not do this. Promise me. Especially don't tell Diana."
Nate: "Oh, okay. It would have been cool, though. I won't tell Diana, promise."
Diana: "...Tell me what?"
Nate: (Immediately tells Diana.)