A ropy beginning, weird continuity stuff, some OOC plot massage and the most hideous clothing, but other than that, pretty great by the end of things. I know what you're thinking: What's up Louis's ass this week? Well, I'll tell you: Somebody leaked about the paternity test to Gossip Girl. He decides that the UES is one large conspiracy of bitches, which it is, and that this is why Blair is insane, which it is -- and Blair, amidst all her protestations, finally decides he's right when the Minions give her fake details about her wedding shower.
Seems Lily and Serena, in their infinite wisdom, decided a fun and safe thing to do would be to fuck with Blair's head about the details. Yeah. The first thing to go is her fashion sense, as she takes her Bitches out shopping while dressed like a visiting dignitary from Grandma Dolltown.
Before hooking back up with Serena, Max comes by PRADA to blow Ivy's spot, but -- after a quick confab with Aunt Carol -- she spins a quick story about how "Ivy Dickens" is actually her porn name or something. Later, Max figures out that she was never Charlie Rhodes, but she instantly starts treating him like a blackmailer and he instantly starts acting like one in response.
Nate calls Eric and Jonathan with a great idea nobody's thought of before: How about instead of just hacking GG and then not doing anything with it, what if you hacked GG and then did something with it? Before you know it, there's access to every single email ever sent to the vile creature, and apparently a button you can push on every computer that makes these accessible on the Spectator site. Serena quickly talks Nate out of publishing them, and in turn he talks Diana out of it, but in the end it's Louis that publishes the emails, causing a massive meltdown at the shower.
Before Nate can even break up with Diana, she's met with William and agreed to resign as EIC at the webizine. Turns out William's plan all along was to George Nate, down to setting him up with a hot cougar girlfriend. And so the ho gets hoed. In the end, Nate and his grandpa are running the site, Gossip Girl is taking a minute for herself, and Diana runs off yelling vague shit about how if Nate "figures it out" about her, then he will also "figure it out" about William.
If you thought Serena's hair looked like a bird's nest made of crackheads and raffia before, I have exciting news for you tonight. On the other hand, she shares Nate's customary "hilarious line readings" acting award for this week, being the only other person who appears to be having fun of any kind at this point.
Chuck and Monkey -- still wearing that studded collar Dan gave them -- decide to spend the day with Dan Humphrey, getting stoned and drunk and having prostitute orgy romps together while watching The Matrix. Eventually, though, an adorably fucked-up Dan gets a wild hair and goes rogue, crashing the shower for a second until Chuck shows up to rescue him. Blair turns her nose up at all of this until Serena sweetly points out that Chuck was, once again, just watching out for her.
The cliffhanger is that Blair shows up at the Empire just as Chuck is tucking poor Dan into bed. Well, no, the real cliffhanger is that, after saving him from embarrassing himself in front of Blair, Chuck figures out that Dan is in love with her. And instead of getting jealous or weird about it, he simply explains that he's right there with him, they are buds, it's us against the world, etc., and it's super sweet. Then they do it on a stoop. Aww.
Next week: Louis cries, Blair and Chuck attend therapy together, Nate continues to mogul the medias or something, and Gossip Girl hopefully takes every one of those fuckers out.
GG, remarkably lucid this week: "A shower is supposed to make you feel fresh and clean, but on the Upper East Side, they're where I get the most dirt. And B's bridal shower tonight promises to be an absolutely filthy affair!"
However, two people have been left out of this little affair: Charles and Daniel. Why, however will they cope?
Chuck is walking Monkey, wearing his Humphrey black studded collar -- Monkey, silly, not Chuck! -- when those two mini-me's representing the GG audience appear. They are getting both older and weirder-looking, as expected. It's weird to see them on this 2.0 version of the story, artifacts of a more heightened and symbolic atmosphere.
Bitches: "Honestly, a mutt? No wonder Blair chose Louis over you. Totally right call, btdubs, because you are so the opposite of royalty. Still, how royally miffed are you that you weren't even invited to the shower tonight?"
Chuck threatens to unleash Monkey on them, but I think it's more his bitchy call-out -- "I should warn you, he's trained to go after fake Prada" -- that scares them off. You know it's gonna get Chucky when he starts tossing around sub-Joan Rivers shit like that.
Dan, reading: "As for number two? In high school, D got left off the list because no one knew who he was. Now it's because they know too well. Looks like Lonelyboy needs to change his name to Banished Boy..."
Rufus & Lily: (Laugh at him, in his very face, because he is a grown man whining about this inconsequential shit.)
Dan: "Thanks for the support!"
Lily: "Um, at least they're still talking about you. If they weren't, I'd start worrying. At least, that's what I tell Serena when she starts with this bullshit."
Dan: "[Needless, pained exposition about how his book is a failure.]"
Rufus: "But the rest of the book tour went better, right?"
Dan: "I certainly was not shirking my responsibilities, resulting directly in the failure of a venture I claim to care utterly about, and lying to you about it. If that's what you mean."
Cousin Peepers comes crawling out of Jenny's old room, looking like something that could be the mess that is Jenny.
Cousin Peepers, recently fired: "Gnngh."
Dan: "Hey, are you okay?"
Cousin Peepers, retiring back to her fake room: "Bleargh."
Lily: "Ugh. I guess I should talk to her. I hope she's taking her meds."
Rufus: "I can't believe we [blah blah exposition, they agreed to throw the shower but won't be at the shower for some reason]."
Dan: "I think I'll pass on watching you guys set up for a party that I'm not invited to. In case you were wondering whether absolutely everything was about me."